| Duck
Soup (1933) by Harry Ruby, Bert Kalmar and Grover Jones. Second draft script (January 18, 1933). CRACKED ICE The story begins with an opening shot on the exterior of the executive mansion. It is a gala day. Soldiers are lined up in front of the entrance; expensive cars and car- riages are arriving and depositing distinguished notables from the adjoining countries. Two trumpeters at the head of the stairs announce the arrival of each notable. In the large reception hall, Mrs. Teasdale, wife of the late president, is GREeting the newcomers. The room is filled with distinguished guests. At the moment we see Mrs. Teasdale, she is talking with a notable. In the near back- ground is a group of distinguished men, members of her own cabinet. Her words to the notable are not lost on them, and as she begins to praise the new dictator, there is the ex- change of disapproving glances. Mrs. Teasdale It is so good of you to come. Notable An honor, Mrs. Teasdale.... You must indeed have great faith in your new dictator to give him such a magnificent reception. Mrs. Teasdale I feel that Rufus T. Firefly is the only logical successor to my dear departed husband. He has the statesmanship of Glad- stone, the humility of Lincoln, and the wisdom of Pericles. The notable kisses her hand once more and leaves the scene. As he does, the background group moves into Mrs. Teasdale. Their spokesman addresses Mrs. Teasdale. First Cabinet Member (Protestingly) Mrs. Teasdale, as members of Freedonia's cabinet, we do not approve of your choice. Who is this Rufus T. Firefly? Second Cabinet Member (Waving aloft a paper) A stranger in our midst, an agent for the Eureka Ammunition Company. Think of it, Gentlemen, an ammunition salesman dic- tating the policies of our peace-loving country. Third Cabinet Member Reconsider, Mrs. Teasdale, before it is too late. The citi- zens of Freedonia want a President! Mrs. Teasdale As the widow of your last president, I have the right to choose -- and, Gentlemen, I refuse to discuss the matter any further. Mrs Teasdale turns her back on them, leaving them to mumble among themselves. From off scene comes a servant's voice, announcing: Servant His Excellency, Ambassador Verdi Trentino of Amnesia! Cut... to the archway. We see Trentino enter with a beautiful brunette at his side. He is followed by two or three of his fellowmen. He moves across the reception hall to Mrs. Teasdale, bows most graciously and presses his lips to the back of her hand, then introduces his companion. Trentino Mrs. Teasdale..... my niece, Vera. Mrs. Teasdale shakes the girl's hand warmly. Mrs. Teasdale (To niece) Your uncle has been such a friend to us in every crisis. Without his country's financial aid -- Trentino (Lightly) What is money? (Tenderly) Mrs. Teasdale, for you -- I would do anything. Mrs. Teasdale (Flustered) Ambassador! (Attempting to change the subject) I am so anxious for you to meet our new dictator. Trentino (Persistent in his flattery) Mrs. Teasdale -- no matter who rules Freedonia, to me you will always be the first lady of the land. Trentino attempts to take her hand. The latter is a bit confused, much to the amusement of Vera, who laughingly says: Vera Mrs. Teasdale, my uncle's hopeless -- you've been the only topic of conversation ever since we left Amnesia. Mrs. Teasdale's confusion is happily interrupted by the announcement of a servant, off scene. Servant The Honorable Mohamed Pandooh of Mufhtan! Mrs. Teasdale (Hastily) Oh, I must greet His Honor. Mrs. Teasdale exits from the scene quickly. Vera and Trentino look after her, then Vera laughs softly, as their eyes meet. Vera So that's the one you want to marry. Trentino With Mrs. Teasdale as my wife and Freedonia under my control -- (He rubs his hands significantly) Vera Maybe it's not going to be so easy. From what I've heard, Mrs. Teasdale is rather sweet on this Rufus T. Firefly. Trentino That's where you come in. I'll leave him in your hands, and don't forget you're supposed to be my niece. Vera winks agreeingly. Mrs. Teasdale enters the scene with Bob Firefly (ZEPPO). She introduces him. Mrs. Teasdale I want you to meet the son of His Excellency -- Bob Firefly.... Ambassador Trentino... his niece, Vera, After the formalities of introducing, Trentino says: Trentino Isn't it about time for the ceremony to begin, Mrs. Teasdale? (Mockingly) I do hope His Excellency won't be late. Bob (Defensively) My father makes it a point to always be on time. As long as I've known him, he's never been late for an appointment. Trentino But it's two minutes of ten now. Bob (As music begins) His Excellency is due To take his station. Beginning his new Administration...... He'll make his appearance when The clock on the wall strikes ten. Mrs. Teasdale (singing) When the clock on the wall strikes ten All you loyal ladies and you patriotic men Let's sing the national anthem when... The clock on the all strikes ten. The clock begins to strike the hour... one.... two.... three.... four.... All (Singing) Hail, hail, Freedonia..... Mightiest of mighty nations! Hail, hail, Freedonia Land of the brave and free. This finishes on an operatic note with everybody with outstretched hands turned toward the main door that connects the reception hall with the outer hall. Groucho doesn't appear and once more they all sing. All (Singing) Hail, hail, Freedonia.... Land of the brave and free. Again Groucho fails to appear and they all sing once more. All (Singing) Hail, hail, Freedonia.... Land of the brave and free. Mrs. Teasdale exchanges an apprehensive glance with Bob. Vera and Trentino smile. Mrs. Teasdale (Nervously) I hope nothing has happened. Bob Mrs. Teasdale, I assure you there is nothing to worry about. Father is probably taking extra care in getting into his robes of state. I'll call him. Bob goes over to a corner of the room and pulls a tapestried bell cord. This rings a fire bell in Groucho's room -- and Groucho is disclosed asleep in his canopied bed under a mosquito netting. He has an unlighted cigar in his mouth. The continued jangling of the fire bell awakens him from his slumber and he rises quickly. The cigar begins to emit smoke when he starts puffing. He hurries over to one corner of the room where his clothes are arranged in fireman fashion, gets into them, and then sides down a fireman's pole into the reception hall. The guests are singing the last two lines of the national anthem when he arrives. All (Singing) Hail, hail, Freedonia..... Land of the brave and free. Groucho starts across the hall in the direction of Mrs. Teasdale. He passes several notables, one of whom is wearing an impressive looking medal. Groucho deprives him of it without stopping his forward movement, and pins it on him- self. He pauses only when he is facing the principal group. Mrs. Teasdale (Beaming as she addresses Groucho) As chairwoman of the reception committee, I welcome you and extend the good wishes of every man, woman and child of Freedonia. I deem it an honor on this momentous occasion.... Groucho (Interrupting) Never mind that stuff..... He takes a pack of cards from is pocket and extends them to Mrs. Teasdale. Groucho Take a card. The bewildered Mrs. Teasdale complies. Groucho puts the other fifty-one cards in his pocket. Mrs. Teasdale What'll I do with this card? Groucho You can keep it -- I've got a whole pack..... Now what were you saying? Mrs. Teasdale As chairwoman of the reception committee, I welcome you with open arms. Groucho How late do you stay open? Mrs. Teasdale In choosing you, I feel that I serve my country well. I heartily endorse everything you stand for. Groucho Well, I won't stand for much. And I won't stand for you if you don't show some improvement soon. Look at your report card last month -- "D" in spelling.... six in behavior. Now who were the six? A fine state of affairs -- no wonder you can't matriculate, now what were you saying;? Mrs. Teasdale The future of Freedonia rests upon you. Promise me you will follow in my husband's footsteps. Groucho (To CAMERA) I haven't been on the job five minutes and already she's making advances to me. (To Mrs. Teasdale) Not that I care -- but where is your husband? Mrs. Teasdale (Slightly embarrassed) Why - er -- my husband passed away..... (reverently) I was with him to the very end. Groucho No wonder he passed away. I'd like to be with you to the very end. Can't you see what I'm trying to tell you -- I love you. Mrs. Teasdale (Very warmly) Your Excellency! Groucho You're not so bad yourself, Mrs. Teasdale, when I look at you I can see that we're facing a crisis. We've got to bal- ance the budget -- we've got to cut down everything including, you. Ambassador Trentino enters the scene. Mrs. Teasdale Oh... Your Excellency... I would like to present to you.... AMBASSADOR VERDI TRENTINO OF AMNESIA....... Having him with us today is indeed a great honor. Trentino (To Mrs. Teasdale, smiling appreciatively) Thanks.... but I can't stay very long. Groucho That's even a greater honor. Trentino I bring you the greetings of my President and the good will of my people. Groucho I'll keep the greetings -- but you can send back the good will... what we need right now is twenty million dollars. Trentino Twenty million dollars is a considerable sum.... I'll have to discuss that with my Minister of Finance. Groucho Well, in the meantime, could you let me have $50 personally? Trentino (Surprised) $50 ? Groucho I'll tell you what I'll do. I'll give you Mrs. Teasdale as security. (Throwing a glance at Mrs. Teasdale) or my jackknife. If you want my advice, you'll take the jackknife...... I've a better proposition.... Make it $25 and I'll give you a first mortgage on my son and I hope you foreclose. Trentino (With a puzzled look at Groucho) Your Excellency, haven't we met before? Groucho (Looking at Trentino) Why yes. I met you at the dog races -- say, you could have won that race if you tried a little harder. Vera Trentino enters scene. Ambassador Oh. May I present my niece. Groucho Go ahead. Trentino You don't understand. This is my niece Vera. Groucho (Throwing her a glance) And Vera niece, too. Vera Your Excellency, please don't think me silly, but I'd love to have a picture of you. I want to hang it in my bedroom. Groucho You couldn't hang me in your bedroom -- I'll make a note of it. Where's my secretary? (Looking around) Bob (ZEPPO) enters scene. Bob Here I am, Father. Groucho (To Bob) Take a letter. Bob (Taking out a stenographer's pad and pencil) Who to? Groucho The President of the United States. (Bob writes as Groucho dictates) Groucho My dear President.... read it back.... Bob (Reading from pad) "My dear President"... Groucho That doesn't sound right.... take out "President"... now read it. Bob (Reading) "My dear"... Groucho That's not right yet.... put back "President" and take out "dear"... How does it read now? Bob (Reading) "My President".... Groucho There's still something wrong with it.... take out "President" .... now what've you got? Bob (Reading) "My".... Groucho Now we're on the right track.... Put back "dear"..... How does it read? Bob (Reading) "My dear"... Groucho You can't say that to the President.... Put back "President" ... Now let's hear how sounds. Bob (Reading) "My dear President"... Groucho That's what I wanted in the first place. Tear it up and send it airmail. Bob Is that all? Groucho Take another letter.... to my tailor. (Bob takes dictation again.) Groucho Dear Sir... enclosed find check for $100. Yours very truly.... Send that immediately. Bob I'll have to enclose the check first. Groucho You do and I'll fire you. Groucho glares over his shoulder at Bob to emphasize his remark as the latter exits from the scene. Mrs. Teasdale enters to Groucho. Mrs. Teasdale (To Groucho) Your Excellency, the eyes of the world are upon you. Nota- bles from every land are gathered here in your honor -- (Indicating the guests with a wave of her hand) This is a gala day for us. Groucho Well, a gal a day is enough for me. I couldn't handle any more. Mrs. Teasdale If it's not asking too much -- (Recitative) For our information Just for illustration (Begins tune) Tell us how you intend to run the nation. Groucho (Singing) These are the laws of my administration: No one's allowed to smoke Or tell a dirty joke -- And whistling is forbidden... Ensemble (Singing) We're not allowed to tell a dirty joke HAIL, HAIL, FREEDONIA Groucho (Singing) If chewing gum is chewed, The chewer is pursued And in the hoosegow hidden... Ensemble (Singing) If we should choose to chew, we'll be pursued - Groucho If any form of pleasure is exhibited Report to me and it will be prohibited. I'll put my foot down; So shall it be - This is the land of the free. The last man nearly ruined this place He didn't know what to do with it. If you think this country's bad off now Just wait 'till I get through with it. (Does sailor's hornpipe) The treasury is low on dough; The last man went and flew with it. If you think we're short of money now Just wait 'till I get through with it. (Does Highland fling) The country's taxes must be fixed - And I know what to do with it, If you think you're paying too much now, Just wait 'till I get through with it. (Takes flute from inside pocket and plays strain of Dixie) Dignitary (Singing) In our midst you stand The ruler of this land A man who'll govern with an iron hand. Groucho (Singing) If anyone gets fresh with me, I'll show him who's the boss; I'll stand upon my dignity, And toss him for a loss. And this will be the penalty For those who doublecross - We'll stand 'em up against the wall, and Pop goes the Weasel, Ensemble (Singing) If you should make him cross, He'll toss you for a loss. If anyone gets fresh with him, He'll show him who's the boss. (Groucho does minuet with girls as above is sung) Groucho (Singing) I will not stand for anything That's crooked or unfair; I'm strictly on the up and up, So everyone beware. If anyone's caught taking graft And I don't get my share, We'll stand 'em up against the wall - And Pop goes the Weasel! Ensemble (Singing) So everyone beware Who's crooked or unfair; No one must take a bit of graft Unless he gets his share. (Groucho dances as above is sung) Groucho (Singing) If any man should come between A husband and his bride, We find out which one she prefers By letting her decide. If she prefers the other man, The husband steps outside; We stand him up against the wall And Pop goes the Weasel! Ensemble (Singing) The husband steps outside; Relinquishes his bride; We stand him up against the wall And take him for a ride. (Groucho dances as above is sung) Groucho The population must increase With great rapidity. We give a couple seven years To raise a family. If, by that time, there is no branch Upon the family tree, We stand 'em up against the wall - And Pop goes the Weasel. (Groucho does a dance with Mrs. Teasdale who joins him reluctantly and registers embarrassment as dance con- tinues. He might finish dance in her arms, looking ten- derly at her as she beams down at him.) Mrs. Teasdale (As she beams on him) You've made a wonderful impression. Your views are liberal ... It is easy to see you have an open mind. Groucho That's what I get for dressing in a hurry. Mrs. Teasdale Your Excellency, you mustn't forget your appointment at the House of Representatives ... Have you got your speech ready? Groucho I wrote a speech last night that'll knock them off their seats ... (He takes a paper from inside pocket as he says above.... then reads from paper) Four score and seven years ago, our fathers brought forth on this continent a new nation -- Mrs. Teasdale Why, that's the speech that Lincoln made at Gettysburg ... Groucho (With a look of great surprise) He did? ... I told my son not to leave it laying around ... Where is son? (Bob enters) Bob Here I am, Father ... Groucho Send for my car .... Bob (Calling to servant off scene) His Excellency's car! (This is repeated by a servant's voice off scene ... A servant enters to Groucho, bearing his high silk hat. He bows low as he hands it to Groucho ... Groucho takes hat, removes a white rabbit, hands it back to servant, dons his hat and with a swanky gesture exits ... again we hear a ser- vant's voice calling: "His Excellency's car" ... We see the trumpeters at the top of the steps of the mansion, outside, standing at attention ... their trumpets at their sides ... From inside comes the voice of a servant calling "His Excellency's car" ... The trumpeters click their heels, draw themselves erect, put the trumpets to their mouths and blow a fanfare to summon the car ... We cut to the Exterior of the Dictator's garage. This is a pretentious affair. In central foreground a wall, in the center of which is a large wrought-iron double gate. On each side of the gate is a crest or design in relief. Also two liveried guards stand erect before the gate. A trumpeter on the wall above. Through the gate we see the patio and suggestions of the garage. Two or three high-class cars in background identify the garage. At the beginning of the scene, we hear finish of trumpeter's call. Instantly the two guards move to the center of the gates and call through the bars - Guards (In unison) His Excellency's car! Almost instantly there is a terrific roar of motors on the other side of the wall. The two guards open gates mov- ing in military manner. Immediately the gates are wide open, Harpo appears on his motorcycle, that carries a side car. The motorcycle is decorated ... perhaps a crest in relief on the side of the car ... a thin staff, about four or five feet high is fastened to the handle bars ... As Harpo rides along, he hoists the Freedonian flag to the staff. Further along the road he hits a man ... he looks behind to see what damage he's done, but continues riding ... A CUT BACK to the man shows that he is lying prostrate on the ground. We CUT BACK to Harpo, who is just getting off motor- cycle ... he takes another look back at the man, lowers the flag to half-mast, takes bugle, which is hanging on his car and blows a few bars of taps ... he mounts motorcycle again and starts off ... CUT TO top of mansion steps as Groucho comes from man- sion ... the two guards standing stiffly erect, form a seat by crossing hands ... Groucho sits on the seat made by their hands, puts his arms around their shoulders and they carry him down stairs ... as fast as they can. CUT TO Harpo arriving in front of mansion just as Groucho, carried by the men, moves into the scene. Groucho gets into the side-car ... and in Napoleonic manner says to Harpo: Groucho To the House of Representatives ... ride like fury ... Don't stop for any signals and don't wait for a corner to make a turn ... see if you can break a record ... Harpo takes a phonograph record and smashes it on the ground ... there is a roar of the motor -- the motorcycle starts off but leaves the side-car. Groucho gets out of side-car ... starts back to steps, stops and says: Groucho A fine thing -- leaving the head of the nation at the foot of the stairs ... As he dashes up the stairs, we CUT TO Harpo ... riding along ... A very attractive girl is coming along in the opposite direction. As she approaches Harpo, he toots his horn to attract her attention, she throws him a indignant look and continues on down the street. Harpo turns his motorcycle around and starts after her. She looks around, sees Harpo pursuing and breaks into a run ... CUT BACK to Harpo follow- ing her, putting on speed ... he lowers the Freedonian flag and simultaneously raises a pirate flag -- with skull and cross-bones on it, displayed prominently. A motorcycle cop is parked on the corner waiting for prospective violators ... he sees Harpo chasing the girl and quickly starts his motor and follows in pursuit ... The girl, as she reaches the executive mansion, rushes up the stairs in an effort to escape. Harpo comes into the scene and rides up the stairs after her ... As Harpo gets about half way up the stairs the motorcycle cop is seen approaching the mansion. CUT TO reception room of mansion as the girl is running madly through the room ... a moment later we see Harpo on his bike following ... there is panic among the guests. Then we see the girl tearing up the stairs leading to the circular balcony ... CUT BACK to Harpo. He looks behind him as he rides and sees the motorcycle cop following on his bike. On the balcony above, the girl is running, with an occasional glance over her shoulder as she runs out of scene ... Harpo rides into scene. This time he is bent over his handle-bars in the manner of a six day bicycle rider ... following closely behind him rides the motorcycle cop. They circle the mezzanine ... Harpo in the lead, looking back now and then over his shoulder at his pursuer ... this is done in imitation of a six day bicycle race ... The motorcycle cop is closing in on Harpo ... the latter approaching a large open door, rides through the opening, but the cop continues on around the balcony ... as he gets to the opposite side of the circular balcony he passes another open doorway. Harpo comes riding out of it and is now in pursuit of the cop ... CUT down stairs to Groucho ... One hand is upraised holding a gun. As he looks at a wrist watch, he fires gun, then addresses guests looking into CAMERA. Groucho That concludes the nine o'clock sprints ... Next Saturday night the winner of the six day bicycle race will receive ten thousand dollars in gold ... the following morning we go off the gold standard ... CUT BACK to balcony ... Harpo is passing the cop ... He holds up his hand for the cop to stop ... they both come to a halt ... Harpo gets off his motorcycle, walks over an- grily to cop, takes out his book, writes out a summons and hands it to the cop as we FADE OUT ... END OF SEQUENCE "A" SEQUENCE "B" FADE IN on interior of Freedonian House of Repre- sentatives. This interior although not a replica of our own House of Representatives, should be close enough technically to sell the idea... Each seat is occupied by an officious- looking dignitary. On the platform are a few desks ... per- haps a pulpit which Groucho uses when he arrives... The one to the right is the court stenographer's desk, occupied by Bob Firefly. He takes notes as the meeting progresses. Throughout the House runs a ripple of excitement, which is stopped by the rapping of the gavel by the Speaker of the House. Speaker Gentlemen, gentlemen, remember for forty-six years we have enjoyed the friendship of Amnesia, so ably represented by Ambassador Trentino. (Indicating the Ambassador who is present) We owe it to ourselves to listen to what he has to say... (Trentino takes the floor) Trentino Gentlemen, while I admit it is unusual for a representative of one country to advise the legislative body of another, I assure you that I have the interest of Freedonia at heart ... (Deferential applause) We have lent you money in the past -- we are willing to lend you money again -- but, we cannot do it if your leader is allowed by you, to carry out his ridiculous proposals... In self-protection it is my ---- (Bob rises to interrupt) Bob I object!... we have no right to discuss this matter in the absence of my father. Speaker (To House) We have been meeting every morning for eight days and not once has His Excellency been on time... Trentino (Looking at his watch) Gentlemen, I cannot wait much longer... Speaker (To Bob) Would you mind calling your father again? Bob presses a button, either on desk or wall... CUT TO - the corner of Groucho's bedroom, showing fireman's pole. The sound of the clanging bell is heard over scene. Groucho hurries into scene, fully clad but for his coat which he has on his arm... without waiting to don his coat he slides down the pole. We pick him up finishing the slide down the pole into the House of Representatives. As he ar- rives the members are on their feet singing the last four bars of the national anthem. Members (Singing) Hail, hail, Freedonia Land of the brave and free... Groucho hurries toward Speaker's desk, putting on his coat as he goes... Just as he reaches the desk the singing subsides. Groucho turns to the body of men and looks off in the direction of one of the representatives. Groucho (Pointing toward the individual off scene) The Secretary of Agriculture was a little flat... (He takes a match and scratches it across the top of the desk to light his cigar... takes a few puffs, then raps the gavel.) I move we open the morning session... Has anybody got a cork screw? (Looking out and around at members) [page missing] Groucho What's to stop you from digging one... And after you dig a river, how're ya gonna cross it without a bridge... ? We've got to have a bridge to stop people from going places -- then we've gotta stop them from coming back. If you're worried about the expense we can have a bridge with only one end -- and if that's a success we can do away with it alto- gether. I'm telling you that what this country needs is -- (Off scene we hear Chico's voice singing "P-E-A-N-U-T-S" .... this is followed by the piping of a whistle playing the first strain of the PEANUT VENDOR... Groucho listens, annoyed and then con- tinues) Groucho If there's one thing we don't need right now -- it's pea- nuts -- gentlemen, what good is a bridge if you haven't got ammunition to blow it up... ammunition was never cheaper... Right now, you can get two cannons for the price of one and shoot twice as far for half the money... With every five thousand dollar purchase we throw in a Big Bertha... If you don't like her, you can throw her right out again. I tell you no country can protect itself without -- (Again Chico's voice comes over scene singing "P-E-A-N-U-T-S"... The whistl- ing of the first strain of song - the PEANUT VENDOR is heard again) Speaker I'm sorry your Excellency, it is that infernal peanut vendor Chicolini... How can we accomplish anything with that con- stant annoyance? Trentino Your Excellency - are we or are we not going to discuss this problem - my time is valuable - I'm a man of few words - Groucho I'm a man of one word... SCRAM!!! (Trentino exits resentfully) Groucho (To Bob - aroused) Go out and chase that peanut vendor away from the building -- Get rid of him if you have to use violence - if necessary call out the militia and if he isn't looking get me a bag of peanuts. Bob I've tried to chase him but it's no use - he won't go - Groucho He won't eh? - We'll see about that - send for your father immediately. Bob But you're my father - Groucho Never mind then, I'll get in touch with him myself - (CUT OUTSIDE to Chico standing by his peanut stand which has a whistle on it conspicuously displayed - ) Chico (Singing loudly) "P-E-A-N-U-T-S" (CLOSE UP of whistle piping tune of "PEANUT VENDOR" - Trentino enters to Chico - ) Chico (To Trentino) How'm I doing, boss? Trentino Fine - keep on yelling - Do everything you can to disturb Firefly - Now what about your cousin? Chico He's working very hard - I got him a job driving Firefly's car - He's-a driving him crazy and I'm driving him nuts - P-E-A-N-U-T-S (Singing even louder than before - Trentino smirks approvingly and exits - the whistling of the tune following as we CUT inside to Groucho - and the well-known vamp of the "Peanut Vendor" is heard coming over scene with orchestra accompaniment...) Groucho (Glaring angrily at window) I'll get rid of that pest - watch me -- (He walks determinedly in direction of window and breaks into a rhumba - with hands on hips - dipping to ground a la Spanish dancer... as he reaches window we CUT outside. Groucho is seen in the window - which is on the ground floor - Chico is by his peanut stand) Groucho (To Chico - angrily) Hey you!! Chico All right - (Chico takes bag of peanuts from stand - throws it to Groucho - The latter catches bag and throws Chico a dime - then starts to eat the peanuts) Groucho Have you got a license? Chico No, but my dog he's a got millions of them -- Groucho (Munching peanuts as Chico walks over and stands under window) What kind of a dog is he? Chico He used to be a bloodhound but he's anemic -- Groucho Well - what is he now? Chico He's half poodle and half watch dog - Groucho Half watch dog? Chico Yeh, he's only got one eye. Groucho I don't know much about dogs but you ought to be on the end of a leash - a ninety-nine gear leash - (Gives him a look of disgust) Look - what do you call your dog? Chico I don't call him, I whistle. Groucho What do you whistle? Chico Yankee Poodle. Groucho I've got just the place for a man like you but I'm too busy right now to do any digging. What do you call your dog when you want him? Chico I don't want him. Groucho Well, if you don't want your dog why don't you put him in a pound? Chico He only weighs ten ounces -- Groucho I can use you in the House of Representatives. We need a man who understands dogs -- and that's where this country is going to. Step inside. (Groucho turns and disappears from the window - CUT INSIDE of House of Repre- sentatives) Groucho (To Bob) In case of fire, how long will it take to empty this place? Bob (After a moment's thought) About - thirty-four seconds. Groucho We'll start a fire -- (Indicating representatives) -- and get rid of these microbes. (Groucho exits towards door leading into his private office. CUT to inside of private office which has another door leading to a hallway, and among other articles of furniture, there is an impressive-looking desk on which is a telephone. Just as Groucho comes through the door into his office, Chico enters through the other door. He is wearing gauntlets, reaching half way up his arms. As they walk toward each other the telephone rings and the two men make a mad dash for the telephone on the desk. Chico beats Groucho to the phone, picks up the receiver.) Chico (At telephone) Hello!... Yes... Yes... He's not in... (Chico hangs up receiver and turns to Groucho who is waiting impatiently) Chico That was for you. Groucho I'm sorry I'm not in. I wanted to have a long talk with you... Now look here, my good man, you've got to stop yell- ing "peanuts" in front of the House of Representatives. Chico Oh no, I can't do it. Groucho You don't want to be a public nuisance, do you? Chico Sure. How much does the job pay? (or) Sure, if there's a chance for advancement. Groucho You wouldn't consider going over Niagara Falls without a barrel? Chico 'At's-a no good. I went to Niagara Falls once. Groucho Did you shoot the rapids? Chico No, but I shot some ducks. Groucho If there was an open season for fellows like you, I'd get myself a hunting license. Anyway, I'm going to make you a sporting proposition. You give up the peanut stand and I'll make you vice-president of the country. Chico Oh, no -- nothing doing. I had a brother who was a vice- president once and that's the last we ever heard of him. Groucho Well, maybe he's still the vice-president. Now if I were to offer you -- (Telephone bell rings. The two men turn and run for the telephone. Again Chico gets there first. Groucho stands by exasperated while Chico talks to the party on the other end of the line) Chico (To telephone) Hello... Yes... No, not yet... All right... Goodbye. (Hangs up receiver - then says to Groucho) That was for you again. He wants you to call him up as soon as you get back. Groucho I don't know what's keeping me. I should've been here a long time ago. Now how about my proposition? Chico What other job you got? Groucho Let's see -- What've I got in my cabinet besides mice -- (Stops to think - then very enthusiastically) I've got it -- how would you like to be Secretary of the Interior? Chico That's no good. I like to work on the outside. I must have something easy. Groucho Then you don't wanna work hard? Chico I don't wanna work at all. Groucho In that case you'll have to take a civil service examination -- if you pass I'll put you in the post-office -- stick out your tongue. Chico I don't wanna sick out my tongue. Groucho Well, if you wanna work in the post-office you'll have to stick out your tongue. Chico Look, I'm a very nervous man. I gotta have a job where I come to work at eleven -- go to lunch at twelve -- and quit at one. And twice a year I gotta have a six month vaca- tion. Groucho I've got just the job for you -- Secretary of War. Chico 'At's-a fine. (Telephone bell rings. They both make a dash for the telephone, but Harpo rushes in through hallway door and reaches the phone first. Harpo picks up through telephone receiver, listens to con- versation on the other end with an occasional nod and shake of the head. As he listens, he scribbles message on a piece of paper. He holds the written message up to the telephone receiver for a moment, then writes a few more words on the paper. During this, Chico and Groucho stand by, terribly worried. Finally Harpo hangs up the receiver and exits, tearing up the paper) Groucho (After a moment's glance at Harpo) You know, I'd be lost without a telephone. Now - where were we? Oh, yes - I just made you Secretary of War. The first thing you do is buy ammunition -- you buy it from me and I get 10% commission. Chico What do I get? Groucho You get half mine and I get half yours. Chico I don't want to buy ammunition -- we no gotta war. Groucho Then we've gotta start one. Do you know how to start a war? Chico Sure, that's easy. You gotta insult somebody. (Groucho suddenly slaps Chico across the face with his gloves, then as quickly brings to light a card which he presents to Chico in the profes- sional manner of an experienced duelist) Groucho My card. Chico (Laughing) That's a-no good. You gotta insult somebody from another country. Look -- (Puts his large gloves on the desk) I come from one country. You come from another country. I say something you don't like. You say something I don't like - and I'm insulted. Groucho Why wasn't I insulted? Chico You was insulted, but you don't know it. Groucho (Indignantly) Then I demand an apology! Chico That's a-no good. If I apologize we no got a war. Look -- I send you a scrap of paper. You send me a scrap of paper -- and we have a scrap. Groucho You've got a brain after all - and how you get along without it is amazing to me -- Now, who can I insult?... Who do we owe money to?... (Enthusiastically) AMBASSADOR TRENTINO! How about him? Chico He's-a very easy to insult -- I say something to his niece once, and he slapped my face. Groucho Why didn't his niece slap your face? Chico She did. Groucho What did you say to her? (Chico whispers in Groucho's ear -- Groucho gives him an indignant look) Groucho You're lucky I don't slap your face -- you oughtta be ashamed of yourself. Where did you hear that story? Chico You told it to me. Groucho (Puzzled for a moment) Oh, yes, I remember -- and I should have slapped Mrs. Teas- dale's face when she told it to me... I'm going right out and find Trentino. You go right out and get yourself an army. (Chico turns to go - Groucho stops him) Groucho Wait a minute. What kind of an army do you think we oughtta have? Chico I think we oughtta have a standing army, so we can save money on chairs. (At this point Chico is at the door and exits - Groucho slams the door right in his face - then he walks over to the desk and sees the larger gauntlets. He takes a swing with his own gloves, then takes a hefty swing with the gauntlet. He leaves his own gloves on the desk and exits with the gauntlets in is hand.) (CUT outside. Harpo is just pulling up to the curb in front of the House of Representatives, in his motorcycle and side car. Groucho comes from the building wearing gauntlets, gets into the side car and with a dignified wave of his hand, says:) Groucho To Mrs. Teasdale's residence! (The motorcycle speeds out of the scene, leaving the side car behind.) Groucho This is the fifth trip I've made today and I haven't been anywhere yet. (And, as he gets out of the side car and starts to go back into the building, the scene FADES OUT) END OF SEQUENCE "B" SEQUENCE "C" FADE IN to garden party. This is an afternoon tea in the garden of the Teasdale estate. Spotted in the set-up are innumerable colorful umbrellas, under which are tea tables. The guests include the notables we saw in the mansion in the first sequence. The only two people absent are Ambassador Trentino and Mrs. Teasdale. Vera Trentino is seated at one of the tables and her presence is established there in the opening shot. Music is heard over the scene and should be continued through the scene as if being played by an orchestra on the premises. Suddenly the chatter ceases as the follow- ing announcement is heard coming over scene. Guard's Voice (From off scene) His Excellency, Rufus T. Firefly! All eyes turn toward those off scene and everyone rises to sing the last four bars of the national anthem. Cut to the gateway leading into the garden...a servant on each side of the gate, as Groucho jauntily strides through the gate, swinging the unusually large gauntlets... Guests (Singing) Hail, hail, Freedonia Land of the brave and free... Groucho hands his high silk hat to one of the guards and starts down the walk among the guests. From his attitude it is evident that he is intent on finding Ambassador Trentino. Suddenly he stops, having seen something of interest off scene. The following dialogue comes over the scene. Trentino's Voice Can't you see, Gloria, our marriage would not only unite two great families... CUT TO Trentino and Mrs. Teasdale in a quiet corner of the garden -- both are at a tea table. This shot leaves Groucho out. Trentino (Continuing) ...but would further cement the relations of our countries. Mrs. Teasdale (Fluttering with excitement) Ambassador Trentino, I am indeed honored... (Falteringly) But you see - well - I -- Trentino (Repressing his anger - coldly) Oh. Then there his somebody else? Mrs. Teasdale Well no -- not exactly -- but -- Trentino (Impatiently) Gloria -- I've waited for years. I won't be put off! I love you! I want you! (Taking her hand pleadingly) Can't you see that I'm at your feet? Groucho enters the scene. Groucho (To Trentino) When you get through with her feet, you can start on mine. I haven't been to a chiropodist in two years... (To CAMERA) If that's not an insult, I don't know what is. (Turns to Gloria) Gloria, I love you. I -- Trentino (Furious, to Gloria) Can't we go some place where we can be alone? Groucho (To Mrs. Teasdale) What can this mug offer you? Wealth and family. I can't give you wealth... (Archly lifting his eyebrow) ...but we can have a little family of our own. Mrs. Teasdale (Coyly) Oh, Rufus! Groucho All I can offer you is a Rufus over your head. Mrs. Teasdale (Happily confused) Oh, Your Excellency, I don't know what to say. Groucho I wouldn't know what to say either if I was in your place. (Turning to Trentino) Maybe you can suggest something. Trentino (Hotly) This has gone far enough! This interruption is humiliating, to say the least... Groucho Well, why not say the least and get it over with? Mrs. Teasdale (Fearful) Gentlemen! Gentlemen! Trentino (Half addressing Mrs. Teasdale) I didn't come here to be insulted. Groucho That's what you think. Trentino (Furiously) You swine! Groucho Give me that again! Trentino You worm! Groucho Once more! (Holds his gauntlets in his hand, ready at any moment to strike) Trentino You upstart! Groucho That's it! No man lives who can call a Firefly an upstart. Without further ado, Groucho strikes Trentino across the face with his gauntlets. Then he quickly FLASHes his card and extends it to Trentino in the manner of a duelist. Groucho (As he offers the card) Touch? A sudden ripple of excitement as the guests, attracted by the rumpus begin to move into the scene. Prominent among these is Vera Trentino. Trentino refuses Groucho's card, white with rage. Trentino (Coldly) I shall report this indignity the my President. (To Mrs. Teasdale - polite but firm) Mrs. Teasdale, I feel this regrettable occurrence will plunge our countries into war. Mrs. Teasdale (Half crying) This is terrible! Vera Uncle, you can't do this! Trentino (Politely) My dear niece -- I must ask you not to interfere. War is not a woman's problem. Vera (Rising angrily) It is every woman's problem. Who supplies the sons? -- the brothers? -- the husbands? Who... Groucho (To Vera -- interrupting) You keep that up and you'll crab the whole war. Vera Carry out this tragic folly if you will -- But I for one will not be a part of it. (She winks at Trentino) I will stay here in Freedonia. Trentino (As a faint smile of understanding vanishes from his face) Very well then, if that's how you feel about it -- (suggestive shrug of his shoulders) My country has spoken. (He turns on his heel as if about to leave. Groucho stops him) Groucho Then it's war? Trentino (Stiffly) Yes. Groucho How're ya fixed for ammunition? Trentino Bah!! (Waves Groucho aside and exits) Groucho (Dramatically) THEN IT'S WAR! (SOUND of trumpet - Ta - ta - ta-ta) Groucho THEN IT'S WAR! (SOUND of trumpet - Ta - ta - ta-ta) Groucho GATHER THE FORCES! (SOUND of trumpet - Ta - ta - ta - ta) Groucho HARNESS THE HORSES! (SOUND of trumpet - Ta - ta - ta - ta) Groucho THEN IT'S WAR! The above lies are spoken in meter and each line is punctuated by the staccato notes of the trumpet. Groucho makes a military exit from scene in time to the music, which goes into a military march. As Groucho reaches the gate, the guard hands him his high silk hat. Groucho takes the hat -- removes a white rabbit from it -- hands it to the guard -- as he exits through gate. DISSOLVE. END OF SEQUENCE "C" SEQUENCE "D" INSERT of newspaper. The newspaper moves up to CAMERA from background -- as it stops we read the following headlines: "ARMIES MOBILIZE AS WAR CLOUDS GATHER!" Through this insert we get the vague impression of war ac- tivity. We see the movement of soldiers' feet. From the background the second insert moves up to CAMERA ... The first insert moves past CAMERA and the second insert comes from the background. The headline reads: "AMNESIA HASTENS PREPARATIONS!" Through this insert we see the heavy wheels of army wagons moving along. This is replaced by the the insert coming from the background. The headlines read - "FREEDONIA'S LEADER MAINTAINS ATTITUDE OF DIGNIFIED SILENCE!" Bombing planes move through this insert. The front page of the paper is turned and followed by a few other pages until we come to the classified ad section of the paper. We see the following advertisement: WANTED: - A female spy. Must be young and attractive Apply to Office of Secretary of War. Above this ad we just see a few lines of another ad -- WANTED: -- A Chauffeur Below the war nurse ad we see part of another ad in which a cook is wanted. DISSOLVE TO - A SHOT (in movement) of a row of shapely legs, obviously those of very pretty girls. The CAMERA moves upward disclos- ing the faces of the girls, who are sitting in a row in the ante-room of the Secretary of War's office. On the door leading to the Secretary's private office, we see the letter- ing: PRIVATE. The CAMERA discloses only four or five of these girls, but we know there are more in the room. Bob appears in the doorway leading to the Secretary's office and addresses the first girl - nearest the door. Bob The Secretary of War will see you next, Miss. This girl is very pretty and has a very attractive form. She smiles at Bob, rises and exits into the Secretary's office. Bob closes the door behind her. The CAMERA now moves along the row of girls and the sixth or seventh girl in the row is Harpo, dressed as a girl. On the other side of him are more girls. A girl to the right of him turns to the girl beside her. Girl (To the girl at her right) Did you hear the one about the woman taking a bath? ... Well, she forgot to lock the door ... A man came in and said, "I'm a doctor" ... The woman said, "I'm not sick" ... and the man said, "that's all right. I'm not a doctor." All of the girls laugh heartily at at this remark. Harpo is laughing also. He slaps the story-teller on the leg. Her laughter ceases instantly. She slaps him back, and gets another slap on the leg in return. A little squeal of pain from her and she raises her dress disclosing a bruise on her leg just above the knee. Girl (To Harpo) Look! Harpo does so, then pulls up his own dress and points to his leg for her to look. On his leg is tattooed a picture of two hearts entwined with an arrow running through both. She gives Harpo dirty look and rises - CUT TO: Private office of Secretary of War. The office is clut- tered with war implements, maps, etc. The examination of the girl is in progress. She is turning around in the manner of a clothes model. Chico is looking her over. Chico (To girl) You look pretty good to me - but very still need a spy - Have you got any credentials? (The girl nods and pulls her dress up above her knees revealing an attractive leg. She reaches into her stocking for a paper.) Chico (Taking a very good look) You got credentials all right. (The girl drops her skirt and hands the paper to Chico. Chico looks at the paper) Chico This is fine. Put it back. (Hands the girl the paper. She lifts her dress above her knees again and puts the paper back in her stock- ing, while Chico looks on. She drops her skirt.) Chico I think I better take another look at that paper... (She lifts the skirt again to get the paper, while Chico steals another glance. The girl drops her skirt and hands him the paper.) Chico (Looking at the paper) I look this over later -- now I look you over. If you want to be a spy, you gotta be in good condition. I better examine you. (He takes stethoscope from his pocket, applies it to her heart and listens.) Chico (Listening to girl's heart beat) There's something wrong -- I think I'm getting Whiteman's band. (Puts stethoscope back in his pocket and takes watch from vest pocket. He feels her pulse while looking at the watch) Chico According to my watch it's four o'clock. (Puts watch back in his pocket) Now look -- a woman spy is a-gotta make love to men. Come on -- let's see you make love.. (She walks over to him and lovingly strokes his hair, puts both arms around him, then suddenly becomes very amorous, bends him over and kisses him madly. She lets go after a little while and Chico comes up for air. He staggers around in a daze. Then he takes the watch from his vest pocket, hands it to her, ex- tends his wrist and says: Chico Now you feel my pulse. Suddenly the screaming of girls is heard coming from the anteroom, and we cut to the anteroom in the midst of confu- sion. The girls are running helter-skelter, one or two of them are standing on chairs with their skirts lifted above their knees. There is a little white mouse running about the room. Harpo is sitting innocently on the bench. The girl just inter- viewed by Chico comes from the office, sees the mouse, screams and joins in the general confusion. Groucho enters as the girls are running about - zig-zags among them and continues through the room into the private office of Chico - closing door behind him. The girls clear out of anteroom and Harpo is left all alone. He takes a small mouse trap from his large pocketbook, puts it on the floor, crouches down and whistles to the mouse in the manner of a man trying to call a dog. The mouse in answer to the whistle runs into the trap. CUT TO - The Secretary of War's office. Chico at the phone. Chico (To phone) Send in the next girl. (He hangs receiver up) Groucho By the way, are you sure we need a spy? Chico Sure, we gotta have a spy. If we no got a spy who's gonna tell the other side what we're doing? At this point, Harpo makes his entrance through the door, carrying his unusually large pocketbook which is about the size of a carpetbag. He walks past Groucho in a seductive manner, swinging his bag and rolling his eyes flirtatiously. Groucho is delighted with this action and returns the ogling. Chico (To Harpo) Have you got any credentials? Harpo lifts his dress and shows them the tattoo on his leg of the two hearts. Groucho examines it closely. Groucho I don't go in much for modern art. Have you got anything by one of the old masters? Harpo lifts his dress above the other leg and shows a picture of Gainsborough's "Blue Boy". Chico and Groucho arise from the examination. Groucho I'm glad I didn't ask you for "Washington Crossing the Delaware". Chico (To Harpo) We've gotta have somebody who knows how to get secrets from men. -- You know how to make love? (Harpo walks over to Chico, throws his arms around him and starts to give him a big hug. He squeezes him very hard. In the midst of this there is a loud report. A startled look from Groucho and Chico. We see that Harpo is minus one breast. He tries to affect an innocent look when suddenly there is a second loud report and his breasts are now as flat as a billiard table. Just as he turns to hide the sight from Chico and Groucho, a hissing sound is heard -- the air is leaking out of his bustle and the bustle is becoming deflated.) Groucho (To Harpo) You ought to carry a spare. (Harpo goes to a corner of the room and keeps his back to CAMERA. He takes a tube out of his dress front and begins to blow. Chico and Groucho wear a puzzled look as they watch him - the bustle starts to expand. This inflation continues to gigantic proportions as they look on.) Groucho (Looking at Harpo) We're certainly living in a marvelous age. (There is a terrific explosion and all of Harpo's clothes are blown off him - leaving him in nothing but running pants and ladies' silk stockings. His body is literally covered with tattoos.) Chico (Laughing) That's very funny...he certainly fooled me. He'll make a good spy. (Winks significantly at Harpo.) (Harpo returns the wink.) Groucho (Examining tattoos) If we can't use him as a spy, we can have him framed. (He and Chico continue further examination of the tattooed designs on Harpo's body.) Chico Say, that's a nice collection. You oughta have a catalogue. (Harpo pulls a catalogue from under the belt of his trunks and hands it to Chico. Groucho and Chico look at the catalogue.) Groucho Let's take a look at number eighteen. (Harpo reveals more of his back and shows a superb tattooed job of a beautiful girl's head.) Chico (Referring to picture of girl) Say, she's all right. You got-a her phone number? (Harpo raises one arm and shows the phone number tattooed right under the arm pit. He holds this a moment, then turns and discloses a portion of the tattooing on his chest. Groucho and Chico's eyes shift from the telephone number to the tattooed picture on his chest. Harpo completes move and discloses the entire picture. It is a country back-house with a crescent over the door. Chico laughs uproariously.) Chico (Laughing) That's a funny one! (He slaps Harpo an the back good-naturedly.) (TRICK SHOT on HARPO'S CHEST. The door in the out- house flies open. The head of a real man appears in the opening. He looks off in the direction of Chico and mumbles incoherencies under his breath. He is terribly angry at being interrupted. He draws in his head, closing the door behind him.) Chico (To Harpo) I think we can use you. Here's a spy glass...go ahead and do some spying... (Harpo takes the glasses and goes directly toward the window. As he looks across street through binoculars, he is grinning all over and wiggling around like a happy kid.) (Room across the street -- looking into the open win- dow of a bedroom as Harpo would see it through the binoculars. A beautiful girl is undressing, prepar- ing to retire. After a moment of this shot CUT BACK to Harpo looking through the binoculars. Chico takes the binoculars from Harpo and pushes him out of the scene, proceeds to look himself. He registers the same satisfaction as Harpo and hands the binoculars to Groucho. As Groucho looks through the binoculars at the beautiful girl, Chico says:) Chico He's going to make a good spy...that's not bad for the first day. Groucho (Turning and looking at Chico) That's not bad for any day. (Groucho takes a second look through the binoculars at the beautiful girl. This time he sees Harpo chasing the girl around the roam. This is shot through the binoculars as before. Groucho registers amazement as he looks through binoculars; perhaps squints his eyes once or twice and takes second look.) Groucho (To Chico) Maybe my eyes are bad - you take a look. (Chico takes the binoculars and looks at the room across the street. Binocular shot as before. The girl is in her underwear, tearing out of the room into the hall, pursued by Harpo. Chico is still looking through the binoculars.) Groucho You're right about that guy -- I think we've got some- thing. Chico I don't know about us, but I know he's-a got something... (CUT TO the front of the building occupied by the beautiful girl. She comes dashing madly out of the door and starts down the street, clad only in her underwear. Harpo appears in doorway, riding his motorcycle and starts down the street after her.) FADE OUT END OF SEQUENCE "D" SEQUENCE "E" FADE IN to living room of Mrs. Teasdale's home... It is a smartly appointed room. Its main feature for our pur- poses is a winding stairway leading to bedrooms above. In the absence of Mrs. Teasdale, Vera is seated by fireplace while Ambassador Trentino is excitedly pacing up and down... Trentino This is all Firefly's fault -- that idiot, that fool.... Vera I thought everything was working out fine. Trentino Fine nothing! I didn't want war.... My plan was to marry Mrs. Teasdale and overthrow Firefly. Vera Maybe you can still win the old dame over -- why not try to -- (At this point Trentino sees Mrs. Teasdale coming downstairs and hushes Vera with a nudge.) Mrs. Teasdale (As she descends stairs) I'm so sorry I've kept you waiting.... Trentino walks over to meet her. Trentino (Taking her hand) Mrs. Teasdale.... (Kisses her hand) I deeply regret the unfortunate affair with his Excellency, but his attitude left me no alternative.... Mrs. Teasdale (Emotionally) To think that this should happen after all these years of friendship. Vera Maybe the war can still be averted.... Mrs. Teasdale (Hopefully) Oh, if only it could.... Trentino Mrs. Teasdale, I'm willing to pocket my pride and do anything I can to make up with his Excellency. Mrs. Teasdale (Solicitously) Oh, would you.... ? Trentino For you, I would do anything..... (Bowing graciously) Vera If only we can get his Excellency to listen to reason..... Trentino (To Mrs. Teasdale) Perhaps he will listen to you..... Mrs. Teasdale Perhaps..... I'll call him..... She goes the phone... as she starts to dial the number there is a quick CUT to Trentino and Vera who are exchanging significant looks.... CUT BACK to Mrs. Teasdale at phone... Mrs. Teasdale (Talking into phone) Hello, your Excellency?.... I hate to disturb you -- I know you're a very busy man, but I must see you at once. CUT TO Groucho at other end of telephone.... He is lying in bed, in his flannel nightgown, eating crackers... the bed is strewn with cracker boxes and crackers... Groucho (Into phone) Why not come over here? -- You can come in the back way and no one'll see you...... CUT BACK to Mrs. Teasdale at phone. Mrs. Teasdale (Into phone) But your Excellency, you must -- oh thank you -- please hurry.... (She hangs up phone.... and walks over to her guests) He'll be right over.... CUT TO corner of room (Mrs. Teasdale's living room), disclosing for the first time the fireman's pole... Groucho comes sliding down the pole in his nightgown, with a long box of crackers under his arm... stops about three feet from the floor, looks around the room and sees Trentino. Groucho (Hanging on to pole -- addressing Trentino) If I knew you were here I would've brought some cheese.... He shoots right up the pole again out of sight. Hold CAMERA on this shot for an instant.... Groucho comes sliding down again... this time he is fully dressed, including his high hat and the cigar in s mouth.... He walks over to Trentino belligerently, and deposits his hat on table on the way. Groucho (To Trentino) So -- you've come to ask for clemency! I'll give the enemy no quarter -- not a dime.... Mrs. Teasdale But Your Excellency -- the Ambassador is here on a friendly visit.... He came to ask you to patch up the breach. Groucho Let him patch up his own breeches.... Trentino (To Groucho -- ignoring Groucho's remark) I'm sorry we lost our tempers... I'm willing to forget if you are. Groucho Forget? (Like an injured woman) You ask me to forget... Why, my ancestors would rise from their graves... and I'd only have to bury them again.... A Firefly never forgets.... Trentino I am willing to apologize... I'm willing to do anything to prevent this war. Groucho Nothing doing!! I've taken a lease on the battlefield. I'd lose my deposit, besides, I've already ordered the ammuni- tion.... Vera (Putting her arms around Groucho) Oh, Your Excellency, isn't there something I can do? Groucho Yes, but I'll talk to you about that when we're alone.... Mrs. Teasdale (Coming to Groucho) Oh, won't you reconsider... Groucho (Relenting) Well, maybe I am a little headstrong... But, you know, it's awfully hard to forget what he called me. (Indicating Trentino) Trentino What I called you... Why, what did I call you? Groucho I don't remember. Trentino (With a little chuckle) Oh -- you mean... worm? Groucho (Smiling coyly) No, that wasn't it.... Trentino Was it -- swine? Groucho (Same attitude as above) No...it was a seven letter word. Trentino (Thinking, then with a broad smile) Oh yes! -- UPSTART! Groucho That's it... (Takes gloves from Trentino's breast pocket and socks him across the face...and puts them in his own breast pocket. Trentino becomes apoplectic) Trentino (Spluttering and stuttering) Why - er - Mrs. Teasdale - this is an outrage! This man is impossible... My course is clear... this means war... (Turns to go and turns and yells to Groucho) You RUNT! Groucho I still like UPSTART the best. (Trentino exits in a rage. Vera pretends that she is overcome by the scene) Vera (Putting her hand to her brow) Oh, this is dreadful! If you'll excuse me I'll go to my room... (She exits toward stairway) Mrs. Teasdale (Excited - almost hysterical) Yes, it's awful! (To Groucho) Are you sure you did the right thing? Groucho Of course. Who ever heard of calling off a war after order- ing all the ammunition? By this tine Vera has descended the stairs and exited from scene. Groucho looks around the room furtively to make sure he is not being observed and takes a large envelope from his inside pocket. Groucho The plans of war are in this envelope. I want you to take care of them -- no one will ever suspect you. (He hands papers to her) CUT TO Vera lingering on stairs looking down on the scene below. Having heard the conversation, she exits from scene, and we CUT down stairs to Groucho and Mrs. Teasdale. Groucho Guard them with your life...don't leave them out of your sight... If the enemy gets those papers we're lost. If they don't get them, we're lost. Can't you see what I'm trying to tell you? I love you... Mrs. Teasdale, you're the salt of the earth. They don't come any better than you... Mrs. Teasdale (Modestly, with a bashful lowering of her eyes) Now -- er -- Groucho Well -- they might come better but they don't come any bigger...and the bigger the better. The bigger the betta you've got on a horse, the more you lose, and speaking about horses, why don't you marry me. Come, come -- say yes and you'll never see me again. I'll go 'way if it means your happiness... Mrs. Teasdale Oh, your Excellency, you take me off my feet. Groucho puts his arms around her and tries unsuc- cessfully to lift her off her feet. Groucho (Angrily) Swell chance I've got taking you off your feet... Mrs. Teasdale sinks down into a chair; without hesi- tation, Groucho slides into her lap and continues his passionate love making. Groucho Gloria -- may I call you Gloria? Mrs. Teasdale Why -- why -- of course. Groucho You can call me Gloria too. Gloria -- what a beautiful name. When I was born my mother named me Gloria -- two minutes later she found out her mistake... CUT TO door as Bob enters. He moves in the direction of Groucho and Mrs. Teasdale. Bob (Coming into scene) Father... Groucho (Looks up and sees Bob...without being a bit disturbed...remains on her lap) Take a letter... Bob takes out pad and pencil. Bob Who to? Groucho None of your business... Take another letter. Groucho rises to his feet and paces the floor in the manner of a studious business man with his hands behind his back...then starts to dictate as Bob writes on his pad. Groucho Eureka Ammunition Company -- Gentlemen -- Your shipment of sailor hats arrived this morning by freight -- (Turns to Mrs. Teasdale) Gloria, I could go for you in a big way -- (Turns to Bob) However, the rifles you sent were a little rusty -- (Then to Mrs. Teasdale) -- and I don't say that to everybody -- (Now to Bob) Have not received last month's drawing account. How come? (To Mrs. Teasdale) Your neck is like a swan..... Yours very truly. Now read it back. (Dashes back to Mrs. Teasdale's lap) Bob (Reading from pad) Eureka Ammunition Company, Gentlemen. Your shipment of sailor hats arrived this morning by freight. Gloria, I could go for you in a big way. However, the rifles you sent were a little rusty and I don't say that to everybody. Have not received last month's drawing account; how come your neck is like a swan. Yours very truly... Groucho (Rising to his feet) They'll know I mean business then they get that letter... see that that gets out immediately and that goes for you too. Bob Yes, sir. (Exits from scene) Groucho (Turning to Mrs. Teasdale) Gloria, much as I hate to leave, I'd be crazy to stay here. Mrs. Teasdale Well, if you must go -- She picks up Groucho's hat and hands it to him. He removes a white rabbit from hat and gives it to her. He is about to put the hat on his head when something in the hat attracts his attention. He empties six baby rabbits out of the hat onto the table; puts his hat on and exits. CUT TO outside of house just as Harpo is pulling up to the curb in his motorcycle and sidecar. Groucho comes out of house and walks directly to motorcycle. Groucho (To Harpo) I'm not taking any more chances. You sit in the sidecar... Harpo gets off seat and sits in sidecar. Groucho sits on driver's seat. The sound of the motor is heard and Harpo drives off in the sidecar, leaving Groucho on the motorcycle. FADE OUT END OF SEQUENCE "E" SEQUENCE "F" FADE INTO insert of program: - GEMS FROM THE OPERAS PREMIER DANSEUSE VERA TRENTINO DISSOLVE - Through program to stage of opera house - company singing aria from some well-known opera. CUT TO orchestra box nearest proscenium arch. Harpo and Chico are there fast asleep leaning on each other. They are dressed in Inverness capes - wearing their high hats. Chico has a red band across his shirt-front on which is embossed "Secretary of War" in gold letters. An usher enters box with two people in the background. Usher (To Chico and Harpo) I'm sorry gentlemen - but you have the wrong seats. Chico (Awakening) That's all right. We're not enjoying ourselves anyway. Usher You belong in that box over there - (Pointing to vacant box on opposite side of house - orchestra box) Chico (To Harpo) Come on -- They both step out of box, onto stage and stroll cas- ually across as singing is going on. Part of the way across, Harpo and Chico react to the singing of a very high note -- it's practically in Harpo's ear. He stops -- makes a ter- rible face -- takes out ear-muffs, puts them on his ears and he and Chico continue toward the box -- CUT TO other box -- the one that Chico and Harpo are headed for. Mrs. Teasdale and guests are being ushered in... Chico and Harpo come into scene, arriving at box. Chico steps into box from stage. Harpo is about to follow when he spies a pretty girl in box above. He starts climbing up the pro- scenium arch to upper box -- the girl sees him, screams and dashes out of box. Harpo completes climb into box -- at this point the singing has just finished and applause breaks out. Harpo acknowledges the applause as if it was in appreciation of his climb -- after a few quick bows he starts out of the box after the girl. As he is running out of box into the foyer he bumps into Ambassador Trentino. Trentino (Stopping him) Wait a minute... Mrs. Teasdale is in the box below. The plans of war are in her purse -- you've got to get them -- I don't care how, but get them -- and when you do, bring them to 492 North Myrtle Road -- you'd better write that down. Harpo takes out a pencil with heavy lead and writes the address on the white and purple-edged silk band which is across Trentino's shirt bosom. Then he pushes Trentino's coat aside and from under his vest pulls the ribbon in the manner of a ticker tape -- tears it off -- and starts back to box. CUT TO - Lower box - Mrs. Teasdale I wonder what's keeping His Excellency? Chico Never mind His Excellency -- you gotta your pocketbook? Mrs. Teasdale Yes -- why? Chico I wanna powder my nose.... Mrs. Teasdale laughs good-naturedly and puts the purse behind her (between her back and the back of the chair)... as we go to stage where the shooting of the apple in "William Tell" is being enacted. William Tell is just placing the apple on his son's head -- he turns his back on his son and walks toward opposite side of stage with bow and arrow. CUT TO upper box. Harpo takes a look at apple on the boy's head -- reaches down in box and comes up with a bow and arrow. He takes a good aim and lets the arrow fly... It hits its mark and the apple falls to the ground. William Tell, having ar- rived at spot from which he's going to shoot, turns to take aim and sees that the apple is gone. He picks up another, at the base of an apple tree and starts in direction of his son. CUT TO Harpo, who is watching William Tell. He reaches down into box and brings up another arrow -- takes aim and lets arrow fly. Again it hits its mark and the apple falls to ground. William Tell, reaching his place, turns to take aim and is bewildered at the sight of the second missing apple. The tree is bare and there are no more apples around. A whistle is heard coming over scene. William Tell turns in direction of the whistle and we CUT TO Harpo whistling with his fingers in his mouth. Reaching down into the box, he brings up a bag of apples and dumps all the apples onto the stage. CUT TO: Lower box. Mrs. Teasdale (Anxiously) If his Excellency doesn't get here soon, he'll miss the whole performance. Chico He's-a not missing anything. He's in the dressing room with Vera Trentino. (Winks at her) Mrs. Teasdale (Jealously) In her dressing room? Why, what could he be doing there? Chico He could be playing solitaire, but I don't think so. She jumps as if she's been goosed, and gives Chico an indignant look as he withdraws his hand from her back. Mrs. Teasdale What's the matter with you? Chico What's the matter with you? Mrs. Teasdale You haven't been still a moment since you've been here. You act as if you had neurosis -- Chico I no gotta new-rosis. My uncle he's-a got a flower shop -- he's-a gotta new-rosis. Mrs. Teasdale looks at him disdainfully, turns to look at stage, and jumps again. She and Chico turn to look at each other. She, of course, is indignant, while Chico smiles -- his hand is coming from behind her. She takes the purse from its hiding place and places it on the ledge of the box out of Chico's reach. CUT TO: Ballet dancers' dressing room. The CAMERA PANS along, showing several of the ballet dancers limbered up by other dancers. (This is done as follows: - a girl stands against the wall on one leg while another girl raises the other leg up and down.) The CAMERA passes three or four of the girls and comes to a stop on Vera and Groucho -- the latter is stretching her leg in the same manner. Vera (With exaggerated romance) I shall dance for you tonight as I've never danced before. Groucho This is a fine thing to be doing at my age. Vera Are you getting tired? Groucho (Still working leg) Not at all. When I was a boy back on the farm I used to pump my own water. CUT TO: - SHOT taking in the stage and Harpo. Harpo is in the foreground. On the stage is our hero and his valet. Valet (Singing to hero) Your love is waiting for you, my lord ... Hero Fetch my hat - my hat - my hat -- (Harpo tosses him a large hat - possibly a fireman's hat.) Hero (Continuing singing) Fetch my boots -- (Harpo throws boots on stage) (Hero continues) Bring me my sword -- (Harpo throws a sword on stage --) Hero continues his song while Harpo litters the stage with various articles - a saddle - a chair, etc.... CUT TO box below - Chico is trying to reach for pocketbook on ledge but can't get it. He whistles up to Harpo. Harpo looks down and Chico pantomimes to him to get the pocketbook, pointing to it. The singing stops and ap- plause follows -- the orchestra starts a selection -- which continues through following routine without any singing. CUT TO box above. Harpo takes out a fishing pole with a reel on it -- he unwinds reel and the line descends near box below and lands in a man's hair -- the man occu- pies an aisle seat in the orchestra -- near Teasdale box. CUT TO Harpo reeling in. CUT TO man on aisle seat -- The hook has caught onto his toupe and its being pulled off his head. CUT TO Harpo reeling in with great satisfaction in the belief that he has the purse -- on the end of the line comes the toupe. Harpo, astonished, looks down on the vic- tim who, minus the toupe, now displays a shiny bald pate. Harpo takes out his fountain pen and releases gadget. The ink pours down on the bald spot of the man below and spreads into the form of a toupe parted in the middle. CUT BACK to Harpo - he places the toupe on the bare back side of a figure of Cupid carved on the arch. He is now suddenly attracted by something on the stage -- it is a pool with a practical fountain in its center. Harpo digs into a decorative flower box set in a groove in the proscenium arch. He brings out a real live worm and baits his hook -- stands up and casts .... the line swishes through the air and the hook lands in the pool on the stage. The line instantly tightens and a large carp fish is yanked out of the pool.... as the line is drawn in the fish nearly hits Mrs. Teasdale. She covers her face with her hands. Chico takes advantage of her action, grabs the line, removes the fish, and puts hook on handle of purse.... then signals Harpo with a whistle and in the manner of a construction foreman, motions to him to start "hoisting". The line becomes taut and the purse is yanked out of view. Mrs. Teasdale uncovers her face and discovers that the purse is missing. Mrs. Teasdale (Hysterically) My purse -- my purse is gone! There is a buzz of excitement among the rest of the guests as they help Mrs. Teasdale look for the purse. Chico joins in the search. He grabs an elderly dignified man in the party, throws back his coat and starts to frisk him. Chico He no got it --- (As he turns to frisk another man, Mrs. Teasdale says) Mrs. Teasdale This is dreadful -- I must see His Excellency at once --- (She exits from box) CUT TO ballet dancers' dressing room, where we find Groucho still pumping away on Vera Trentino's leg --- Vera Are you sure you're not tired? Groucho Tired! I'd like to stretch this into a week - (Mrs. Teasdale enters the scene. The sight shocks her but she recovers herself suf- ficiently to hide the embarrassment.) Mrs. Teasdale I hope I'm not interrupting. Groucho (Still pumping - looks over his shoulder at Mrs. Teasdale) Take a seat -- you're next. (He lets go of Vera's leg - and she exits) Mrs. Teasdale Your Excellency, something terrible has just happened. Groucho That's all right. I'll fix you right up. (Grabs her ankle and starts to lift her leg - she gets away from him.) Mrs. Teasdale My purse has been stolen -- the plans of war are in it. Groucho (Shouts) WHAT ? (Walks up and down puffing furiously on his cigar) Mrs. Teasdale I -- I may be wrong, but I suspect the Secretary of War. Groucho (Still pacing wildly) Don't bother me - I'm thinking ---- What was that? Mrs. Teasdale I said - I suspect the Secretary of War. Groucho (Stopping dead in his tracks) THIS IS TREASON!! (Strikes a pose - raising his clenched hands; then to Mrs. Teasdale scornfully) What a fool I was to listen to your siren song and fall a helpless victim under the insidious spell of your ir- resistible charms -- Mrs. Teasdale But - Groucho (Paying no attention) You satisfied your selfish whims, while nations tottered, dynasties rocked and the world plunged headlong into a chasm of chaos and oblivion -- (Throws her an arch look) Not bad, eh? (Starts for door) CUT TO: - stage showing about eight bars Vera Trentino's solo dance. PAN to lower box - Mrs. Teasdale's guests are gone but Chico and Harpo are there -- Chico is examining plans of war. Chico This is-a fine - you do a good job - you make-a no trouble and you waste-a no time. Come on, we take-a the plans to the Ambassador. You gotta the address? (Harpo opens coat and across his shirt front is the ribbon with "462 North Myrtle Road" on it -- the door of the box flies open and Groucho bounds in) Groucho Hands up! (Harpo and Chico throw their hands up and wheel around) Chico (Smiling) You no gotta no gun. Groucho Who said I had a gun ... Gimme those plans, you paper snatchers -- (He makes a grab at Chico -- Chico passes the plans to Harpo - Groucho goes after Harpo - the latter leans away over ledge of box and holds the plans out over the stage. As Groucho is trying to reach for the plans, Vera dances into scene, makes a graceful pirouette and with her outstretched hands takes the plans from Harpo. As she dances away she deposits the plans in her bodice... Vera's male dancing partner enters from the wings, walks out about four feet - stops and strikes a pose with uplifted hand. Vera is dancing on the opposite side with her back turned. CUT TO Groucho back stage - he sees the dancing partner - pulls a lever on switchboard marked "TRAP DOOR" - CUT TO stage as the dancer disappears through floor. CUT TO shot of Vera - preparing to turn to join her partner - she reacts as she sees -- CUT TO Groucho standing on her partner's former spot holding the same pose ... CUT TO full stage shot. Groucho and Vera are dancing to- gether. During the dance Groucho tries to get the paper. He bends her way over in an effort to make the paper drop out of her bodice. Harpo and Chico, watching the struggle, quickly tear off their capes and coats and leap from the box on to stage in their shirts. This develops into a four-cornered adagio dance. She hands the papers to Harpo over Groucho's shoulder as she dances with him ... Groucho rushes to Harpo and they do a twirl together. Harpo hands the paper to Chico over Groucho's shoulder. Groucho rushes at Chico and twirls with him - Chico in trying to pass the papers to Vera drops them on the floor. They all make a dive for them. Groucho gets the papers and dashes with them to the lower box just as Mrs. Teasdale enters same. (The following is a close shot of Groucho and Mrs. Teasdale). The latter standing on stage right by the box. Groucho (Handing paper to Mrs. Teasdale) Here -- put these plans where no one will ever find them - sleep on them. CUT TO: - dressing room just as Vera, Chico and Harpo enter. Vera (Apologetically) I'm sorry boys -- I did my best -- it's all my fault. Chico It's not-a your fault. It's-a his fault -- (Indicating Harpo; then to Harpo accusingly) I fix it for you to getta the plans -- you getta the plans -- then you losa-a the plans -- now we no gotta the plans of war .... (Harpo lifts up his shirt and tattooed upon him is the reproduction of the war plans ... FADE OUT ..... ) END OF SEQUENCE "F" SEQUENCE "G" FADE IN - Mrs. Teasdale's living room. Night. Sub - dued light. We begin with an EXTREME CLOSE CLOSE SHOT of a hand depositing the plans of war in a vault. This vault is about the height of a man, the door flush with wall. The CAMERA TRUCKS back and discloses that the one depositing the papers is Mrs. Teasdale -- she is in negligee. She closes the vault door, pulls a cord, closing a pair of drapes which hide the vault. The CAMERA PANS to the balcony above where Vera Trentino, also in negligee, is watching the action in the living room below. She tiptoes quietly from the scene. Downstairs, Mrs. Teasdale turns out the center table light and moves toward the stairway. CUT TO Vera Trentino's bedroom. Vera comes toward window, raises it quietly and waves a handkerchief, evidently signalling somebody below. CUT TO EXTERIOR of house. Chico and Harpo are waving back to signify that they have caught the signal. The boys try to raise the window which is located next to the main entrance, but it is locked and they can't budge it. Chico (Peeved) It's all your fault. Now we gotta steal the plans again -- You had 'em on you..... you take a bath.... and now we no gotta plans of war. (They try the window again and find it hopeless) Chico (To Harpo) You wait here -- I'll let you in. Chico walks right in through the door, closes it be- hind him and then appears at the window. He raises it from the inside and Harpo climbs in through the window and joins Chico. CUT TO INSIDE. They are walking cautiously across the room when they hear the following coming over scene -- "Psst... Psst..." They stop and look around, trying to lo- cate the source of the sound. We CUT TO the balcony and see Vera Trentino, still dressed in her negligee. Once more she tries to attract them. Vera Psst.... The boys look up and see her. Vera (In a half whisper - mysteriously) In the safe -- behind the drapes -- (Pointing in the direction of the safe) Chico (Also in a half whisper) All right -- I'll meet you behind the drapes. Vera (In a half whisper) No, no -- I mean the plans are in the safe. (Pointing to safe again) Harpo hasn't taken his eyes off of Vera during all this, makes a sudden dash for her, as she turns to her room. Chico stops him on the second or third step of the stairs. Chico Come on, we gotta no time for that. Chico goes over to the safe and draws the curtains, disclosing safe. Harpo follows and takes from his back pocket a rather large electrical drill with a cord and plug attached to it. Chico takes the cord and plugs it in- to the wall socket. Harpo starts to drill the safe door, making a ter- rific noise -- the usual reaping whir-r-r of an electric drill. Chico grabs his hand and stops him from drilling. Chico Wait a minute.... we make too much noise.... Turn on the radio so they can't hear what we're doing. Harpo goes over to radio and turns it on.... a dance tune comes over the air. Harpo grabs Chico and whirls him around as if he were dancing with a dame.... Chico (Jerking himself away from Harpo) What's-a matter, you crazy.... ? Chico goes to radio and adjusts dial to another station.... the following comes over the air.... Radio Police Announcer Calling car 125.... car 125..... go to vacant lot at Tenth and Elm.... a woman walking around in her nightgown --- Harpo drops the drill and makes a wild dash for door obviously to go to the woman... Chico stops him. Chico Come on, we gotta finish the job..... Radio Police Announcer Calling car 67-W..... car 67-W..... go to Mrs. Teasdale's residence... burglars are attempting to break in. Chico rushes to phone.... and dials..... This shot excludes Harpo. Chico (Into phone -- after slight pause) Hello -- Police department.... ? That fellow's crazy.... we're in the house already..... Chico turns to listen to the next announcement - hanging onto receiver. Radio Announcer The Teasdale residence is located at 232 Poloma Drive.... Chico (Into phone) You'll never find us, you gotta the wrong address... we're at 235 Poloma Drive.... not 232... Look, it's a white house with a shingle roof -- shingle -- shingle -- (and sings to illustrate) Shingle bells, shingle bells, shingle all the way .... (Stops singing) That's it, you got it... Hurry up, if no get-a here soon, we can't wait.... (Hangs up... looks around for Harpo, who is not there...) Chico Hey, Skippy.... (Puts his fingers to mouth and whistles.) CUT TO Vera's bedroom. It is a CLOSE SHOT showing Vera in bed, shot from side of bed. She is under the bed- covers desperately trying to keep them from being pulled off her.... TRUCK back disclosing Harpo on the other end of the bedcovers, trying to pull them off her... for a moment following, a tug of war goes on, Harpo pulling the covers about a foot his way and Vera pulling them back... The sound of Chico's second whistle coming over scene attracts Harpo, who lets go of the covers and runs out of the room. We pick him up outside of the room on balcony. Without hesitation he slides down the bannisters to join Chico who is waiting at foot of stairs. Chico (Exasperated) Hey, you never get the safe open that way. (Looking up at Vera's room) We gotta try the combination... You gotta the combination? Harpo nods and takes from under his coat a woman's silk combination... winks and looks back in the direction of Vera's room.... Chico snatches it out of his hand and throws it away. During above Mrs. Teasdale has come out on balcony, sees the boys but can't distinguish them in the room which is practically in darkness except for a few splotches of moonlight. She runs back into her room... CUT TO Mrs. Teasdale's room... she is at telephone dialing a number... Mrs. Teasdale (After a slight nervous pause) Hello? Your Excellency? There are burglars in the house... I want you to come right over. CUT TO Groucho's bedroom. He is at the other end of the phone in bed. Groucho (Into phone) You come over here. There are no burglars in my house. CUT BACK to Mrs. Teasdale at phone. Mrs. Teasdale (Into phone) But Your Excellency, you must -- I tell you there are burglars here.... oh, thank you.... Please hurry.... CUT TO Chico and Harpo in living room below at safe. Harpo has just finished putting a stick of dynamite in the door of safe.... Chico Light it.... Now we blow him up.... Harpo strikes a match, but Chico stops him from lighting it. Chico Wait a minute.... we gotta fix it so it don't make-a so much noise.... What-a we do? Harpo takes out a large wad of cotton, tears it, hands two pieces to Chico.... they both stuff their ears with large pieces. Chico That's fine... Now, nobody hear the noise. Harpo lights fuse... each stands on either side of safe door waiting for the explosion... after a slight pause, there is a terrific blast of sound... and the screen is masked with smoke. The smoke clears away and the safe door falls to the floor. Groucho walks out of the safe putting the plans of war in his inside pocket... After a few steps he stops and addresses the boys... Groucho That woman is crazy.... there are no burglars around here... FADE OUT END OF SEQUENCE "G" SEQUENCE "H" FADE IN - to insert of newspaper which comes from background to CAMERA. A screaming headline reads: WAR DECLARED!! This insert goes past the CAMERA as another newspaper comes from the background. The headline reads: - "ENEMY APPROACHING CAPITOL" DISSOLVE to Groucho's office. Groucho is standing in front of his desk reading a newspaper, which is spread over his desk. The headline is the same as in the second insert - "ENEMY APPROACHING CAPITOL" Harpo is standing at the other side of the desk. Groucho (Pounding his desk) They're coming..... (He recites the following command to Harpo) RIDE THROUGH EVERY VILLAGE AND TOWN WAKE EVERY CITIZEN UP HILL AND DOWN TELL THEM THE ENEMY COMES FROM AFAR WITH A HEY-NONNY-NONNY AND A HA-CHA-CHAR CAMERA TRUCKS back disclosing a real horse beside Harpo. Groucho There'll be two lamps in the steeple if they're coming by land and one lamp if they're coming by sea. He and Harpo go to the window and look out. CUT TO SHOT of a steeple with three lighted lamps - CUT BACK to Groucho and Harpo Groucho They double-crossed me.... they're coming by land and sea -- Be off, my lad! With a grand gesture, Groucho exits out of scene. Harpo grips pommel of the saddle with both hands and in his attempt to make a flying mount, vaults clear over the horse landing on the other side. He lets down a rope ladder from under the saddle, climbs the ladder, mounts the horse and starts off. DISSOLVE to CLOSE UP of Harpo riding at breakneck speed. As he looks grimly ahead he reaches down out of scene and brings up a three-cornered colonial hat and puts it on his head. DISSOLVE to a Moving Insert - Harpo bringing the horse to a stop in front of a farm house. He blows a blast on a regular army bugle... immediately a few old men rush out of the house in their nightgowns, carrying guns, and into the scene from all directions rush other men, answering the call, similarly attired. Harpo starts his horse and we DISSOLVE to him pulling up to another farm house. This house has a single door on the extreme end of it and a very large French window covering almost the rest of the house. Harpo stops and sounds the bugle call. This time there is no answer to his call. He waits a second, then turns his horse in the direction of the house and rides through the single door. After a short pause, the doors of the French window fly open and the horse runs out pulling a double bed which is on wheels. Harpo is standing at the foot of the bed, braced against the bedpost, holding the reins. There is an old couple, man and woman, fast asleep in the bed - (This couple might be the blase gentleman and young wife used by Peter Arno in his cartoons.) After riding a few feet Harpo leaps from the bed onto the horse's back and rides off leaving the bed and its occupants on the road. DISSOLVE to Harpo pulling up to another farm house. He stops, sounds his bugle. A very pretty young girl, in her night clothes pokes her head out of the second story window. Harpo takes a good look at her, leaps off his horse and dashes into the house. A moment later he comes out of the house with a feed bag and puts it on the horse's head.... then he dashes back into the house again. Almost instantly he comes tearing out of the house, followed by an old geezer in his nightgown, who is chasing him, with rifle in hand... He fires a few shots - DISSOLVE: END OF SEQUENCE "H" [SEQUENCE "J"] DISSOLVE through the shooting of previous scene to STOCK SHOT of artillery fire on battle field - a profile SHOT with all the activity of an actual battle, but without an indication of falling men. DISSOLVE from this to interior of Groucho's headquarters behind the front - a wooden shack. The sound of a distant booming of guns is heard over this scene. On the wall is a large war map with colored thumb tacks indicating the positions of Groucho's men and the enemy. Groucho, in the uniform of a Confederate General, (a Robert E. Lee make-up), is studying the war map with a few of his Generals. Groucho (Looking at a tack in a distant sector) Either there's a fly in the room or we've got a soldier in Africa. The door flies open and Bob, in a snappy uniform, enters excitedly and breathlessly. He faces Groucho with a quick salute and a click of the heels. Bob (Taking a dispatch from under his belt) A dispatch from the front, sir. Groucho snatches the dispatch from Bob's hand, tears it open -- reads it quickly -- claps his hand to his brow and staggers. The generals crowd about him. A General (Solicitously) Bad news, sir? Groucho Bad news -- its disastrous! A few Generals (Simultaneously) What is it? Groucho (Reading from dispatch) Private Moscowitz quits! (Groucho rushes to radio operator) Groucho Clear all wires... (The operator works key) Groucho The enemy has taken Hill 25, throwing twelve Hill-billies out of work... Our front is exposed to the enemy -- we'll have to bring up the rear... (Turning away, then turning back to Generals and continuing) P.S. Have misplaced flag of truce ... look in upper left- hand drawer of my bureau... The whining of an approaching shell is heard and a shell about three feet long comes sailing through the open window, speeds through the room and tears through the oppo- site wall, leaving a clean-cut hole. Groucho rushes to win- dow and closes it. CUT TO: SHOT of No Man's Land, with shells exploding in all directions. We see a head slowly appearing over the edge of shell-hole, looking through spy-glasses. It is Harpo... CUT TO: Inside of shell hole ... Harpo registers that he has seen something of startl- ing interest. He drops the glasses, scrambles out of shell-hole and runs out of scene. He rushes to his waiting motorcycle (without the side-car). The staff with the flag flying from it is attached to the handle-bars. He leaps onto the motorcycle seat and starts off. CUT TO: A war nurse, attracted by the roar of the motorcycle. She looks back, sees Harpo approaching and breaks into a run. As he closes in on her, she jumps into a trench to escape him. Harpo rides on a little further to the entrance of the trench and turns in, to continue his pursuit. A TRUCKING SHOT shows only the flag and staff, tearing along above the surface, with the accompanying roar of the motorcycle which is hidden from view. As it speeds along, soldiers are leap- ing up out of the trenches on every side to avoid being run down. This continues doing a zig-zag with abrupt turns... CUT BACK TO: Groucho's headquarters. Groucho is discovered there alone, stropping his sword on a razor strap attached to his desk. Chico enters... goes to time-clock on wall, puts his workman's card in it and punches it. Groucho, attracted by the bell of the time-clock, stops stropping and walks over to Chico, with sword in hand. Groucho Late again, eh? You haven't been on time once since this war started... (Puts sword in sheath) Get out there and fight... (Pointing commandingly in direction of battle field) Chico I can't do it... Groucho (Surprised) Why not? You're the Secretary of War, aren't you? Chico Yes, but I'm not working for you any more. I'm on the other side. Groucho (Like a surprised child) Is that so? I used to think you were two-faced - but you can't be - or you wouldn't be wearing that one. Now - let's talk this thing over. (Groucho sits down at desk and Chico pulls up another chair and sits at opposite side of desk facing Groucho) Groucho (Blowing out a puff of smoke) Now -- how many men you got in your army? Chico Well, we gotta one hundred thousand men. Groucho That's not fair -- we've only got fifty thousand. Chico That's all right. We let you have twenty-five thousand men -- and we both start even. Groucho (Enthusiastically) That's the spirit -- fifty-fifty. Chico No. Seventy-five -- seventy-five. Groucho Well, we'll let that one go. Now -- how many battalions you got? Chico We gotta two battalions and one Frenchman. Groucho I wish you were still working for me, so I could ask you to resign. How're ya fixed for cavalry? Chico I've gotta five thousand men but no horses. Groucho That's funny, we've got five thousand horses but no men. Chico That's all right -- our men can ride your horses. Groucho Not a bad idea. If our horses get tired they can ride your men for a change. (Chico nods agreeingly) Now, I don't mind letting you have our horses, but you must promise to put them through their manoeuvers. Chico Oh, sure. We have horse manoeuvers every morning. At this point, an unusually large shell comes crash- ing from above, imbedding itself, point down, in the floor without exploding. Groucho and Chico rush over to look at it. Groucho (Looking at shell) Acme Ammunition Company, eh? How do you expect to win the war with shells that don't go off? Now, if you were buying your stuff from me, you wouldn't have that trouble. Eureka Ammunition is guaranteed to explode -- or your money back. Let me show you some samples. (Groucho opens door and yells to some one outside) Groucho Bring in No. 47, line 8. (Harpo enters, bent forward, tugging at a rope which tightens over his shoulder, in the manner of a Volga Boatman... at the end of the rope is a cannon, on two wheels) Groucho (Pointing to gun) That's our latest number... our sixteen-inch Horowitz gun. (To Harpo) Load it up. Harpo pours a great quantity of powder into the cannon, then to make sure he has enough, he lights a match and looks into the hole. Groucho takes the lighted match from Harpo. He lights his own cigar, hands the match back to Harpo. Harpo pours in a little more powder, makes sure he has enough, then proceeds to ram the powder in the barrel with his horn. He rises and moves to wall toward which the cannon is pointed. He draws a target on the wall with a piece of chalk -- goes back to cannon. He picks up the firing string, and faces the target toward which the cannon is pointing. Chico puts his fingers into his ears. Groucho picks up a pencil from desk - taps it on desk - then raises both hands, in the manner of an orchestra leader. He holds this pose for a second - and on the down beat, Harpo jerks the string and there is a terrific explosion. The cannon fires out the back end instead of the front and blows a hole through the back wall. The two stare off in the direc- tion of the hole. Groucho turns to Chico. Groucho With a gun like that you can kill some of your own men. Chico That's-a pretty good. I'll take a dozen of them. Groucho Anything else? (Writing order on pad) Chico (Mentally figuring) Yes, one gross of bullets, two dozen hand-grenades, three kegs of powder -- and throw in some matches. Groucho (Writing) Fine. We'll throw in the matches before we make the delivery. By the way, how're you fixed for spys? Chico Fine. We gotta him. (He indicates Harpo) Groucho So! -- He's on your side, too. Chico Sure. Groucho Well, with you two fellows on the other side, this country should have no trouble keeping the wolf from the door. (Harpo opens the door and discloses a dozen or more snarling wolves at the door.) CUT TO - INTERIOR enemy headquarters. The booming of distant guns comes over the scene. Trentino is there with a Sylvanian general. General Something must be done immediately. The soldiers are getting discouraged. Trentino There's only one thing to do... we must capture Firefly. General But how? It's a very dangerous undertaking. Trentino (Standing near widow) Ask for volunteers. Some one must make the sacrifice -- someone -- (Stops to gaze out of window attracted by off scene roar of motor) Here comes Chicolini. Maybe he'll do it. (Walks away from window) Unless we can make Firefly our prisoner, we're lost. (Chico enters. Trentino rushes over to him) Trentino Chicolini, you've come just in time. We need a man who's fear- less, brave. A man who's willing to die, if necessary. Chico All right -- I'll go out and find one. Trentino Firefly must be captured at any cost. Chico That's easy, I'll get him for you wholesale. Trentino It must be done right away. Chico I can't do it right away. General Why not? Chico I got a date with a General's wife. General Isn't that a little dangerous? Chico (To General) Not unless you find it out. CUT TO: Interior of Groucho's headquarters. Groucho is on his feet addressing five or six generals, who are seated. Zeppo is at the desk writing the minutes of the meeting. Groucho Boys, I hate to do this, but if you generals want this war to continue you'll have to take a cut -- (Bursting of a shell is heard right outside of shack. Groucho rushes to the window, opens it, fires a shot from his revolver through the window, hurriedly shuts it, then rushes back to Generals) Groucho We can't afford to pay the money we've been paying. Now I don't want to lay anybody off. My motto in this war is: - "Live and let live". (The bursting of another shell is heard right outside of shack. Groucho rushes to the window, opens it, turns his back to window, takes out a pocket mirror, holds it up in front of him and shoots over his shoul- der out of window, taking his aim from the reflection in the mirror, like a trick marksman. As Groucho walks away from window, he hears another explosion out- side. He rushes back to the window, takes a package of small firecrackers out of his pocket, detaches one of the firecrackers, lights it from his cigar and throws it out of the window. A very small explosion is heard. Groucho hurriedly shuts the window and rushes back to the generals, as we - CUT TO: THE OUTSIDE - A LONG SHOT of a dirigible (miniature) -- then we go to a CLOSE UP of the dirigible. On the bag, in large letters, is printed -- SYLVANIA G-62 The CAMERA PANS DOWN to the cabin of the dirigible. Chico and Harpo are standing at the open door looking down.) Chico Look! That's-a Firefly's headquarters. (Pointing down) We catch him right now. (Harpo reaches back into the cabin, picks up an enor- mous hook and throws it out. The rope that is at- tached to the hook starts playing out rapidly. CUT TO -- LONG SHOT (miniature of dirigible and rope dangling from it)... Then CUT TO - SHOT of rope and hook as it approaches Groucho's headquarters. It hooks onto the roof of the shack and raises it off the ground. CUT TO - LONG SCOT - (miniature of dirigible carrying the shack through the air.) CUT TO - inside of headquarters. Groucho (To generals) Gentlemen, the overhead is killing us. Everything is going up. If we don't watch ourselves, we'll come down with a crash. Now -- all those in favor of taking a cut say "aye"... One General (Protesting) But Your Excellency! Groucho Carried unanimously. (CUT TO - SHOT of dirigible carrying the shack. The shack just clears a steeple by a few inches. CUT TO - INSIDE of headquarters.) Groucho Now go right out there and fight. (To one general) You go out there and relieve General Beauregard, and while you're at it, see what General Motors is doing. (The general, without saluting, exits out of door and closes door behind him.) Groucho (To another general) Call him back -- he didn't salute me. (The second general exits out of door without saluting, closing door behind him.) Zeppo Father, he didn't salute you either. Groucho (Angrily) Attention! (The remaining generals jump to their feet, stand at attention and salute.) Groucho Go out there -- all of you -- and bring those generals back -- dead or alive. (All of the generals exit through to door; the last one closing door behind him.) Groucho Why don't those generals come back? Zeppo I'll call them. Groucho Never mind, I'll go after them myself. (Groucho goes to door, pulls it open, starts out -- CUT TO - EXTERIOR OF SHACK (against sky backing). Groucho is seen in the open doorway. He comes out and walks down the steps (there are three steps attached to entrance of door, with railing on each side. Groucho is about to step off into space. He grabs the railing and hangs by his hands.) Groucho Hey, Junior! (Zeppo rushes to door and pulls him up by the hands. CUT TO - Inside as Zeppo finishes pulling Groucho in. Groucho scrambles to his feet, rushes to window, leans out of window backwards and looks up. CUT TO -- SHOT of dirigible as seen by Groucho. CUT BACK inside of shack as Groucho pulls in his head.) Groucho Get my rifle. (Zeppo runs for rifle...) Groucho I'll get rid of them. (Zeppo returns and hands rifle to Groucho. Groucho leans out of the window backwards and shoots up into the air... CUT TO - dirigible (miniature) as the bag explodes. The smoke fills the screen. As the smoke clears away we see Groucho and Zeppo descending side by side in two parachutes (against sky background.) Groucho (To Zeppo) Take a letter. (Zeppo takes out pad and pencil) Zeppo To whom? Groucho To whom it may concern... Dear Gloria: The air has done me a world of good. I am five thousand feet above sea level speeding home to you. Can you arrange to meet me at twenty-five hundred feet? -- which is only asking you to meet me half way. Don't be surprised if I drop in on you any minute... Your fun-loving Dictator. (Groucho and Zeppo descend out of scene, as Harpo and Chico come into scene from above, both suspended from the ropes of their parachutes... They are in a sitting position, with a board across their knees, playing cards...) FADE OUT END OF SEQUENCE "J" SEQUENCE "K" FADE IN - to a group of notables standing around a large table. Among them are Mrs. Teasdale and Zeppo. Groucho is the guest of honor, very gaily attired for the occasion. As we FADE INTO this scene, they are singing - All (Singing) Hail, hail, Freedonia... Land of the brave and free! Zeppo MY DAD IS MUCH TOO GREAT FOR HIS POSITION WITHOUT A QUESTION. I'D LIKE TO OFFER THIS WITH YOUR PERMISSION AS A SUGGESTION: I REALLY THINK HE SHOULD BE KING! All WE REALLY THINK HE SHOULD BE KING! Zeppo I REALLY THINK HE SHOULD BE KING! All HE SHOULD BE KING! Solo AND WEAR A CROWN AND EVERYTHING. All AND EVERYTHING. Solo I REALLY THINK HE SHOULD BE KING! All HE SHOULD BE KING! Groucho FROM WHAT I HAVE BEEN GATHERING, I THINK THEY THINK I SHOULD BE KING: I THINK THEY THINK I SHOULD BE KING! All HE SHOULD BE KING! Groucho AND WEAR A CROWN AND EVERYTHING. All AND EVERYTHING. HE SHOULD BE KING! (Then follows a musical interlude during which Groucho says: - Groucho (Speaking to audience) You know I think they think I should be king. (Then turning to the guests - singing) ALTHOUGH IT WOULD PLEASE ME TO GOVERN THE THRONG, SUPPOSE I WERE KING AND THEN EVERYTHING WENT WRONG. Mrs. Teasdale THE KING CAN DO NO WRONG! All THE KING CAN DO NO WRONG! THE KING CAN DO NO WRONG! (They all sit) Groucho OF COURSE YOU'RE ALL AWARE A KING MUST HAVE AN HEIR SOME ONE TO PASS THE FAMILY NAME ALONG WILL SOME ONE TELL ME WHERE I'D EVER GET AN HEIR IF A KING CAN DO NO WRONG All (Standing up) THE KING CAN DO NO WRONG! (They all sit down) Groucho SUPPOSE A PRETTY DAME INTO MY CASTLE CAME - AND LET US SAY THAT I WAS GOING STRONG. SHE MIGHT BE STUCK ON ME, BUT WHAT GOOD WOULD IT BE, IF THE KING CAN DO NO WRONG. All (Standing up) THE KING CAN DO TO WRONG! (Sitting down) Groucho KING SOLOMON WAS GAME HE GAVE EACH GIRL HIS NAME TO NUMBER THEM WOULD MAKE A LIST THAT LONG I'LL BET HIS THOUSAND WIVES LED MISERABLE LIVES IF THE KING CAN DO NO WRONG. All (Remaining seated) WE REALLY THINK HE SHOULD BE KING AND WEAR A CROWN AND EVERYTHING. Groucho THEY THINK I SHOULD - THEY THINK I SHOULD - THEY THINK I SHOULD - THEY THINK I SHOULD BE KING. (Applause) Mrs. Teasdale rises. Mrs. Teasdale My dear friends, in time of peace we should forgive those who fought against us, and so, I have invited our former enemies. (Applause) (CUT TO door, as it is being opened by two pages. Trentino and Vera enter. They both stop and bow in acknowledgment of the applause coming over scene. As they walk toward table and out of scene, Chico and Harpo enter. The latter is carrying a carpet runner, rolled up under his arm. He flips the carpet runner away from him on the floor, holding onto one end. It rolls out and Harpo strides majestically down its length toward the table with Chico following. Harpo pauses, brings to light a cuspidor from under his coat, puts it on the carpet and spits into it, and continues on, follow- ing Chico, who is now ahead of him. Harpo breaks into a run and he and Chico dash madly to the table. They take seats on either side of Groucho and without hesitating, start to eat the food in front of them. The guests are standing. Trentino and Vera arrive at their places and everyone sits down.) (Harpo reaches for a large service plate with a pretty picture on it, pushes his plate away, breaks the service plate with a knife... it breaks into little pieces like a jig-saw puzzle. He mixes the pieces up, and then starts to put them together again ... Groucho watches him... then helps him...) Groucho (Stopping Harpo as he tries to fit a piece) No, no, this is the one... (Picking up a piece and placing it...) (A waiter places a dish of tasty food in front of Groucho... he is just about to dig into it with his knife and fork when Harpo turns the table toward himself. This brings Groucho's food to Harpo, and Chico's empty plate to Groucho...) Groucho That was awfully good, I think I'll have a second helping... waiter... (Snapping his finger to waiter off scene. The waiter immediately appears placing a second dish in front of Groucho. He starts to dig his knife and fork in- to it again when Chico turns the table toward him- self... This brings his food to Chico... Harpo lifts his plate up and puts it down again when the table stops turning... this time Groucho has nothing in front of him...) Groucho If I don't stop eating I'll get indigestion... A Woman Guest (To the left of Chico... to Chico) Would you mind passing the salt? Chico (Yelling to Harpo) Hey, she wants some salt... (Harpo takes salt shaker from man to his right, places it in front of himself and gives the table a quick turn toward the woman next to Chico... Groucho is still without food. He rises and looks about table... sees a dish of food in front of Trentino, who is seated at opposite side of table... Trentino is eating.) Groucho (Yelling to Trentino) Ambassador, how's the food? Ambassador Trentino (Looking up and turning in direction of Groucho) It's delicious, Your Excellency. Groucho That's all I wanted to know. (He gives the table a quick turn and Trentino's plate disappears as it spins around toward Groucho... Just as it gets to Harpo, he lifts up the plate... the table goes on a few feet more and when it stops, Harpo puts down his plate and starts to eat... again Groucho has nothing... Groucho picks up his napkin and wipes his mouth.) Groucho I couldn't eat another thing. (He stands up) Ladies and gentlemen, I want to introduce to you a man who is a prince of good fellows, generous to a fault, his own worst enemy and a devil in his own home-town... (Applause... Groucho steps up on the table) Groucho Thanks, I didn't expect to be called upon... However, in con- clusion I want to tell you that I promised Mrs. Teasdale I'd marry her if we won the war.... Well, we won the war and I'm stuck..... to the victor belongs the spoils.... (The table starts to turn slowly.... Groucho starts to walk in opposite direction.... staying in same place.) In union there is strength..... (The table moves a little faster .... Groucho in- creases his pace accordingly..... CUT TO Harpo and Chico now seated beside each other turning the table.... CUT BACK to Groucho....) Groucho I feel that we are taking a step in the right direction, and that's what I call balling the Jack...... (Speed of table turning increases. Groucho keeping pace against it in tread-mill fashion....) Now is not the time for political temporizing, all interests must be sacrificed for the common weal.... (CUT TO Harpo and Chico turning table.... faster and faster.... We CUT BACK to Groucho who is now galloping to keep his spot but he's not going any place) All those who want to place their money on the wheel, step in- side, faint heart never won fair lady.... Money won't grow in your pocket like the hair on your head and now is the time for all good men to come to the aid of their party. (This FADES OUT on a shot with Groucho running madly, and gesticulating, taking in Harpo and Chico turning the table......) END OF SEQUENCE "K" THE END |
 |
