Mom: Stop! What’s the matter with you?
Kevin: He started it! He ate my pizza on purpose! He knows I hate sausages and olives...
Uncle Frank: Look what you did, you little jerk!
Mom: Kevin, get upstairs right now.
Kevin: Why?
Brother: Kevin, you’re such a disease.
Kevin: shut up!
Dad: Kevin, upstairs!
Mom: Say good night, Kevin.
Kevin: Good night, Kevin. Why do I always get treated like scum?
Mom: Oh, I’m sorry, this house is just crazy. We got all these extra kids running around and my brother-in-law’s in from Ohio today. It’s just nuts.
Kevin: How come you didn’t bring more cheese pizzas?
Pizza boy: Nice tip, thanks a lot!
Mom: Thanks.
Henry: Having a reunion or something?
Mom: No, my husband’s brother transferred to Paris last summer and the kids still went to school here and I guess he missed the whole family so he’s giving us this trip to Paris for the holiday...so we’ll be together.
Henry: You’re taking a trip to Paris?
Mom: Yes, we hope to leave tomorrow morning.
Henry: Excellent, excellent.
Mom: If you’ll excuse me, this one’s a little out of sorts. I’ll be right back.
Henry: Don’t worry about me. I spoke to your husband already. And don’t worry about your home. It’s in good hands.
Mom: There are fifteen people in this house and you’re the only one who has to make trouble.
Kevin: I’m the only one who is really getting dumped on.
Mom: You are the only one acting up. Now get upstairs.
Kevin: I am upstairs, dummy! The third floor?
Mom: Go.
Kevin:It’s scary up there.
Mom: Don’t be silly, Fuller will be in for a while.
Kevin: I don’t want to sleep with Fuller. You know about him. He wets the bed. He’ll pee all over me. I know it.
Mom: Fine, we’ll put him somewhere else.
Kevin: I’m sorry.
Mom: It’s too late. Get upstairs.
Kevin: Everyone in this family hates me!
Mom: Then maybe you should ask Santa for a new family.
Kevin: I don’t want a new family. I don’t want any family. Families suck!
Mom: Just stay up there. I don’t want to see you again for the rest of the night.
Kevin: I don’t wanna see you for the rest of my whole life. I don’t wannna see anybody else either.
Mom: I hope you don’t mean that. You’d feel pretty sad if you woke up tomorrow morning and you didn’t have a family.
Kevin: No, I wouldn’t.
Mom: Then say it again. Maybe it’ll happen.
Kevin: I hope I never see any of you jerks again!
