《Alice's Adventures In Wonderland》 CHAPTER11
by Lewis Carroll
The King and Queen of Hearts were seated on
their throne when they arrived, with a GREat crowd assembled about them--all sorts of
little birds and beasts, as well as the whole pack of cards: the Knave was standing before
them, in chains, with a soldier on each side to guard him; and near the King was the White
Rabbit, with a trumpet in one hand, and a scroll of parchment in the other. In the very
middle of the court was a table, with a large dish of tarts upon it: they looked so good,
that it made Alice quite hungry to look at them--`I wish they'd get the trial done,' she
thought, `and hand round the refreshments!' But there seemed to be no chance of this, so
she began looking at everything about her, to pass away the time.
Alice had never been in a court of justice before, but she had read
about them in books, and she was quite pleased to find that she knew the name of nearly
everything there. `That's the judge,' she said to herself, `because of his GREat wig.'
The judge, by the way, was the King; and as he wore his crown over the
wig, (look at the frontispiece if you want to see how he did it,) he did not look at all
comfortable, and it was certainly not becoming.
`And that's the jury-box,' thought Alice, `and those twelve creatures,'
(she was obliged to say `creatures,' you see, because some of them were animals, and some
were birds,) `I suppose they are the jurors.' She said this last word two or three times
over to herself, being rather proud of it: for she thought, and rightly too, that very few
little girls of her age knew the meaning of it at all. However, `jury-men' would have done
just as well.
The twelve jurors were all writing very busily on slates. `What are
they doing?' Alice whispered to the Gryphon. `They can't have anything to put down yet,
before the trial's begun.'
`They're putting down their names,' the Gryphon whispered in reply,
`for fear they should forget them before the end of the trial.'
`Stupid things!' Alice began in a loud, indignant voice, but she
stopped hastily, for the White Rabbit cried out, `Silence in the court!' and the King put
on his spectacles and looked anxiously round, to make out who was talking.
Alice could see, as well as if she were looking over their shoulders,
that all the jurors were writing down `stupid things!' on their slates, and she could even
make out that one of them didn't know how to spell `stupid,' and that he had to ask his
neighbour to tell him. `A nice muddle their slates'll be in before the trial's over!'
thought Alice.
One of the jurors had a pencil that squeaked. This of course, Alice
could not stand, and she went round the court and got behind him, and very soon found an
opportunity of taking it away. She did it so quickly that the poor little juror (it was
Bill, the Lizard) could not make out at all what had become of it; so, after hunting all
about for it, he was obliged to write with one finger for the rest of the day; and this
was of very little use, as it left no mark on the slate.
`Herald, read the accusation!' said the King.
On this the White Rabbit blew three blasts on the trumpet, and then
unrolled the parchment scroll, and read as follows:--
`The Queen of Hearts, she made some tarts, All on a summer day: The
Knave of Hearts, he stole those tarts, And took them quite away!'
`Consider your verdict,' the King said to the jury.
`Not yet, not yet!' the Rabbit hastily interrupted. `There's a GREat
deal to come before that!'
`Call the first witness,' said the King; and the White Rabbit blew
three blasts on the trumpet, and called out, `First witness!'
The first witness was the Hatter. He came in with a teacup in one hand
and a piece of bread-and-butter in the other. `I beg pardon, your Majesty,' he began, `for
bringing these in: but I hadn't quite finished my tea when I was sent for.'
`You ought to have finished,' said the King. `When did youbegin?'
The Hatter looked at the March Hare, who had followed him into the
court, arm-in-arm with the Dormouse. `Fourteenth of March, I think it was,' he said.
`Fifteenth,' said the March Hare.
`Sixteenth,' added the Dormouse.
`Write that down,' the King said to the jury, and the jury eagerly
wrote down all three dates on their slates, and then added them up, and reduced the answer
to shillings and pence.
`Take off your hat,' the King said to the Hatter.
`It isn't mine,' said the Hatter.
`Stolen!' the King exclaimed, turning to the jury, who instantly made a
memorandum of the fact.
`I keep them to sell,' the Hatter added as an explanation;`I've none of
my own. I'm a hatter.'
Here the Queen put on her spectacles, and began staring at theHatter,
who turned pale and fidgeted.
`Give your evidence,' said the King; `and don't be nervous, orI'll have
you executed on the spot.'
This did not seem to encourage the witness at all: he keptshifting from
one foot to the other, looking uneasily at theQueen, and in his confusion he bit a large
piece out of his teacup instead of the bread-and-butter.
Just at this moment Alice felt a very curious sensation, which puzzled
her a good deal until she made out what it was: she was beginning to grow larger again,
and she thought at first she would get up and leave the court; but on second thoughts she
decided to remain where she was as long as there was room for her.
`I wish you wouldn't squeeze so.' said the Dormouse, who was sitting
next to her. `I can hardly breathe.'
`I can't help it,' said Alice very meekly: `I'm growing.'
`You've no right to grow here,' said the Dormouse.
`Don't talk nonsense,' said Alice more boldly: `you know you're growing
too.'
`Yes, but I grow at a reasonable pace,' said the Dormouse:`not in that
ridiculous fashion.' And he got up very sulkily and crossed over to the other side of the
court.
All this time the Queen had never left off staring at the Hatter, and,
just as the Dormouse crossed the court, she said to one of the officers of the court,
`Bring me the list of the singers in the last concert!' on which the wretched Hatter
trembled so, that he shook both his shoes off.
`Give your evidence,' the King repeated angrily, `or I'll have you
executed, whether you're nervous or not.'
`I'm a poor man, your Majesty,' the Hatter began, in a trembling voice,
`--and I hadn't begun my tea--not above a week or so--and what with the bread-and-butter
getting so thin--and the twinkling of the tea--'
`The twinkling of the what?' said the King.
`It began with the tea,' the Hatter replied.
`Of course twinkling begins with a T!' said the King sharply. `Do you
take me for a dunce? Go on!'
`I'm a poor man,' the Hatter went on, `and most thingstwinkled after
that--only the March Hare said--'
`I didn't!' the March Hare interrupted in a GREat hurry.
`You did!' said the Hatter.
`I deny it!' said the March Hare.
`He denies it,' said the King: `leave out that part.'
`Well, at any rate, the Dormouse said--' the Hatter went on,looking
anxiously round to see if he would deny it too: but the Dormouse denied nothing, being
fast asleep.
`After that,' continued the Hatter, `I cut some more bread-
and-butter--'
`But what did the Dormouse say?' one of the jury asked.
`That I can't remember,' said the Hatter.
`You MUST remember,' remarked the King, `or I'll have you executed.'
The miserable Hatter dropped his teacup and bread-and-butter, and went
down on one knee. `I'm a poor man, your Majesty,' he began.
`You're a very poor speaker,' said the King.
Here one of the guinea-pigs cheered, and was immediately suppressed by
the officers of the court. (As that is rather a hard word, I will just explain to you how
it was done. They had a large canvas bag, which tied up at the mouth with strings: into
this they slipped the guinea-pig, head first, and then sat upon it.)
`I'm glad I've seen that done,' thought Alice. `I've so often read in
the newspapers, at the end of trials, "There was some attempts at applause, which was
immediately suppressed by the officers of the court," and I never understood what it
meant till now.'
`If that's all you know about it, you may stand down,' continued the
King.
`I can't go no lower,' said the Hatter: `I'm on the floor, as it is.'
`Then you may SIT down,' the King replied.
Here the other guinea-pig cheered, and was suppressed.
`Come, that finished the guinea-pigs!' thought Alice. `Now we shall get
on better.'
`I'd rather finish my tea,' said the Hatter, with an anxious look at
the Queen, who was reading the list of singers.
`You may go,' said the King, and the Hatter hurriedly left the court,
without even waiting to put his shoes on.
`--and just take his head off outside,' the Queen added to one of the
officers: but the Hatter was out of sight before the officer could get to the door.
`Call the next witness!' said the King.
The next witness was the Duchess's cook. She carried the pepper-box in
her hand, and Alice guessed who it was, even before she got into the court, by the way the
people near the door began sneezing all at once.
`Give your evidence,' said the King.
`Shan't,' said the cook.
The King looked anxiously at the White Rabbit, who said in a low voice,
`Your Majesty must cross-examine THIS witness.'
`Well, if I must, I must,' the King said, with a melancholy air, and,
after folding his arms and frowning at the cook till his eyes were nearly out of sight, he
said in a deep voice, `What are tarts made of?'
`Pepper, mostly,' said the cook.
`Treacle,' said a sleepy voice behind her.
`Collar that Dormouse,' the Queen shrieked out. `Behead that Dormouse!
Turn that Dormouse out of court! Suppress him! Pinch him! Off with his whiskers!'
For some minutes the whole court was in confusion, getting the Dormouse
turned out, and, by the time they had settled down again, the cook had disappeared.
`Never mind!' said the King, with an air of GREat relief. `Call the
next witness.' And he added in an undertone to the Queen, `Really, my dear, YOU must
cross-examine the next witness. It quite makes my forehead ache!'
Alice watched the White Rabbit as he fumbled over the list, feeling very curious to see
what the next witness would be like, `--for they haven't got much evidence YET,' she said
to herself. Imagine her surprise, when the White Rabbit read out, at the top of his shrill
little voice, the name `Alice!'
